Being a Positive Influence

Someone just told me that she is changing her life for the better, taking better care of herself, primarily because of me, of the example I set as someone who shares many of her inner battles but who strives to overcome them and become healthier each day. I don't deserve these words, especially with the frustration I have lived with her and the words I have spoken behind her back. I feel good to be seen this way and even better to be told, but so ashamed of my judgment of her (which I have also recognized as judgments of myself; we are really obviously similar). I am glad however that I have already previously recognized and made efforts to end this judgment and negativity and that, even though I have lived it, it has not interfered with my ability to provide a positive mirror for her to change herself. There were only a small handful of times that I openly tried to convince her of doing anything different, and otherwise she was left to her own devices and her own observations of her actions, choices, consequences as they may compare to what she could see of mine. I think this is actually the most effective way to influence people, because if you push your views upon them they will undoubtedly resist and reject.

I also expressed to her, figuring she would know the pattern as well as I do, how much I latch onto negative feedback from others as a constant immutable truth about myself or my relationships, disregarding any evidence to the contrary, even when that evidence vastly outweighs the negative feedback. It means that I am in near constant need of validation, reassurance, comfort, etc., even though when I receive those things I discount them as being inaccurate, too kind, manipulative, a trick, or a fluke. She said, "exactly, it's like I either suck or suck even more." She also exclaimed that there was absolutely no way around that, no way through it. I said oh no! There is. I'm figuring it out. I hope one day I can share it with her. :)