Today things got a little escalated / tense during a conversation with X. As far as I can gather, X was basically experiencing some emotional reactions to a variety of stimuli, such as hunger, stress of change, and stress of work, and I experienced emotional reactions in response to what X said to me. I want to first write some self forgiveness on my responsibility within this interaction, and then write some self forgiveness on the ways that I can see X and X's reactions as a mirror of myself.
We worked it out and apologized and forgave each other and stuff.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be calm during and immediately after the interaction, but then to let my frustration escalate within my mind after X had left and I was left with my own backchat about the situation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remain within the energy of the interaction even after it was over.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage in an imaginary confrontation with X within my mind about what I wanted to say about what had happened.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get so caught up in my backchat that I made a mistake in my work project.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell Y about what happened with X as a way to relieve some of the energy I was building up. It was unnecessary and verged on gossip, although it was also fruitful in that Y understood where I was coming from, we were able to bond on a level of shared experience, and Y was able to see that Y was not the only one who had experienced similar interactions with X. I also was able to share with Y how interesting it is that people in general, myself included, are generally very unaware of their reactions and how they create their emotional reactions and need to take ownership and responsibility over these reactions. So in that sense the conversation was supportive and productive.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to criticize X to Y for X's reactions when I myself was operating within reactions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into reaction, especially since I didn't even really go there until after the interaction was over. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on and linger in the immediate past such that even when I had dealt with it quite well within the moment, I began to build up emotional energy carried into the present and projected into the future wherein I thought about the resolution conversation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage in bitter backchat about all that I do for X and how X's emotions are not my responsibility and how X is being manipulative, etc.
In spite of all of this, I thank myself for speaking clearly and directly to X when X said that X didn't like the "vibe" I was giving off and informing X that I would consider how my actions might come off a certain way but that X's reaction belongs to X and is an extrapolation of imagined events combined with stress and hunger. I asked X to please know that if X is experiencing an emotional reaction wherein X believes I am behaving in a way in order to harm X, that I am not trying to do any such thing. Whereas I might normally also react emotionally or retreat into escapism I was able to clarify to X what my experience was and what I thought I understood about X's experience.
As a mirror, in times past & present:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let hunger have power over my emotional energy and ability to remain present and with my breath.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to confuse the physical sensation of hunger and low blood sugar with the physical sensation of stress and the sensation that accompanies conflict. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage with the combination of these sensations such that I lose contact with my breath in the physical and enter my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage in discussions/conversations in ways that escalate them into emotionally charged arguments, wherein I project my emotional energetic experiences onto the other person and into my words, tone, and body language such that the other person then reacts to me and I react to them, and the reactions snow ball.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take space to stop and breathe when I need it when I see that I am becoming emotionally charged.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play a martyr or victim role within emotionally charged / "heated" conversations wherein I expect the other person to apologize absolutely and identify what is happening as being of the utmost importance as far as injustice is concerned.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become so defensive within the martyr/victim role that I attack the person who I feel is attacking me, while at the same time expecting them to make me feel better.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to first feel inferior within conflict and to then act out through the superiority of being right, not allowing myself to stop and breathe and see what is real but instead engaging in reactions to reactions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved by my emotional energy in such a way that it is a motivating factor within my desired outcomes and as such I become manipulative within my behavior as I seek external resolution to my emotional energy. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to discreetly criticize another person even within conversations of apologies.
(I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that other people are manipulative consciously on purpose and not just lost/stuck within their own emotional energies and mind consciousness systems, functionally crying for help through their reckless, grasping behavior.)
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to interact with other people in such a way that I want to possess and dictate their behavior such that they fulfill my voids, validate me, and make my imagination become reality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect other people to do what I want because I am throwing a fit.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take advantage of other peoples' sympathy by throwing a fit in order to get what I want.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to guilt people into feeling sympathetic toward me by reminding them of all that I have done for them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad about myself and relationships by engaging in thought energy about all that I do for other people, and why don't they appreciate me? Any of the above that I have not done outright in actual interactions, I have definitely at least done within my mind through and as my thoughts.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage in reactions within relationships in my mind and not in reality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become so worked up within emotional energy surrounding conflict that I begin to build walls and want to hold a grudge and feel like it is too overwhelming to try to address the issue head on and find a resolution through conversation with the other person. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become anxious when I think about resolving conflict. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my body to visibly shake when involved in conflict. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to that shaking by thinking, "see, here, this is bad! conflict is bad!" which only exacerbates my reactions. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prefer the termination of a relationship over honest resolution. I also forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sometimes just take the burden of all the blame in order to avoid open, honest resolution wherein all voices can be heard. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict and fear the process of resolution to conflict. Lots of family history there.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel hot and cold toward Y within reactions to my memories of and backchat about Y. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not love Y as I love all as one as equal. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore how much of Y I see in myself and therefore love Y because I know Y's struggles and I know Y's truth. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to grow closer to Y only because my relationship with X hit a rocky spot.
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