Holding Grudges and Retribution - Day 96

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to experiences within my childhood in such a way that I have created a need for myself in having others validate me as my experiences and my reactions to my experiences because I perceived that what I saw/experienced in my childhood was not acknowledged, validated, or properly addressed by the adults in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to experiences within my childhood in such a way that I have created a pattern in myself of needing to point out when others have done wrong, when others have hurt me or someone else, in an effort to receive validation and confirmation that what I have witnessed is accurate, and also as a way of bringing suffering to the "wrong-doer," to make that person suffer consequences for what they have done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, through this, and through continually NOT being validated by others (by which I mean that even if another "validates" my experience, I still feel invalid -- because I have not validated myself) or having any of my efforts result in a solution to whatever it has been that I have been trying to resolve, develop a pattern within myself of holding grudges against people who I feel have done wrong against me or someone about whom I care.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that there is a difference between "what I have seen" as what has actually happened, and my reactions to it, where even if another person sees the same thing I have seen, they can do so without having my same reaction, without allowing the "injustice" to consume them, and therefore, they will not share this reaction in common with me, and therefore the validation I have sought as another person validating my reaction and taking my "side" is even less likely to be found.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on and cling tightly to memories of things that other people have said or done to me that I have felt have been "wrong" or "not nice" or "mean" or whatever, because:

• I think they are actually wrong/mean
• I have reacted to what they have said or done in a painful way and I refuse to let this heal as an act of self importance and self righteousness, where if you claim someone has abused you but you have no bruises, then no one will believe you
• I have wanted another to suffer the way I have suffered, the way I have identified as them having made me suffer
• I have allowed myself to define myself through what they have said/done and so in an effort to rebel against this definition I create a need to have retribution
• I have allowed myself to define the other through what they have said/done, believing their words/actions to be indicative of who they are immutably, not allowing them room for mistakes or growth, and within this I have asserted myself as self-righteously knowing that they must be punished for what they have said/done. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my grudges and steadfastness to these memories because I have believed that the other person is actually wrong or has actually done something mean, where here I realize that my perception of just about EVERYTHING is tainted by my own interpretations, reactions, assumptions, memories, judgments, beliefs, etc. and that the moment I move myself from the point of my self interest is the moment I justify and solidify it as real-to-me, as who I accept and allow myself to be and live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react, and then move from and as that reaction as if it is truth, creating entire inner realities which I try to project outward through gossip and slander and seeing that what is happening physical reality is not the same as what I have created in my mind and trying to make the two the same by continuing to assert my grudges and my sense of injustice. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to tell other people what another has said/done in order to have the satisfaction of others agreeing with me, and also within the hope that others will also turn against the "wrong-doer" and take "my side."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to feel and be "right" when I share with others an experience as an interaction with another person, where I want others to see/feel the way I do, and so inevitably I will manipulate my words to create a picture for the other person that will convince them that I am right. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to slander other people in the hopes that they will lose some of their status within social groups, believing within this that if they are less than, I can be more than. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that here I am doing a "good thing" because "wrong-doers" "deserve" to be "punished" and also other people "deserve" to know "what that person is really like."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I know what another person is "really like" but have not accepted or allowed myself to see what I am really like within this: self righteous, self important, egotistical, self centered, unstable, self ignorant, and evil. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in and endorse the power of punishment as a vehicle for change. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and pretend that I can facilitate another person's change for them, and that I can do so by punishing them, or manipulating environments and social groups to turn against them. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want "wrong-doers" to be punished in such a way that their life will just be misery and they will not have any room for recovery but will just have to live with what they have done and feel bad about themselves and have no friends. Here I see I have not in fact wanted them to change, but have simply wanted them to suffer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condemn others who I feel have done wrong against me or someone about whom I care. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to promote change in all individuals toward behavior that is best for all, but instead have hoped that people who have "wronged" me will continue to "do wrong" so that everyone will see them for "who they really are" so that I can have validation and satisfaction of entire social groups turning against the people I have identified as having done wrong against me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to basically thus create this "wrong doer" as less than an actual person, not deserving of basic compassion and unconditional love, not allotting them any understanding or consideration of what has occurred within their lives that has promoted such behavior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this separation and division between individuals on the basis of words or actions, not forgiving myself or another and reuniting with all as one as equal as life, as what is best for all. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself as self righteous, always right, always able to see these wrong things that people do, and therefore in a position to ensure that "justice is served" where "justice" is actually just my own self interest to heal my wounds without having to do it myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always look at what others have done wrong but to ignore and deny what I have done wrong or otherwise resist seeing it with excuses and justifications, like as if saying to myself when I catch a glimpse of my own wrong-doings, "that's not we're talking about right now, don't change the subject!"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react and hold on to the things that people have said or done to/against me, where first I have reacted in the moment, and then I have held on to memories of what has happened, memories of my reaction, and then created new reactions of outrage and disbelief that anyone could "do that and get away with it."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want people to suffer. For any reason at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suffer, through this. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to have compassion and understanding and grace for myself: unconditional love. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to things that are said/done to/against/around me within my mind within emotional energies, and to carry this with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react AGAINST things that have come to pass as what people have said or done to me where basically I believe that what has been said or done is "wrong" and therefore I identify as the only solution to be that it never happened, but this is not possible, I cannot turn back time, and so I hold on to these memories and reactions and continue to expand them bigger and bigger rather than simply being here with myself within the physical within and as my breath, supporting myself through conflict and directing myself toward a solution that is best for all. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the things that other people say or do as definitive representations of who they are, immutably and unchangeably, and that within this I have sort of like identified them as like a "criminal" who will always strike again, a "bad person," and that within this I have not only changed my relationship to them but have created a need to change all other peoples' relationships with them through slander and the dissemination of my own opinions/beliefs/judgments about this person. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to internalize what other people do or say as being truth about me, as being definitive of who I am, where when I internalize it like this I am making it myself, I am adopting it into myself as who I am, so here it is not the other person who has made this me, it is I. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within fear and from and as my ego when I feel that someone else has "done wrong" against me, where I fear that I cannot make myself okay and I fear my reactions and I fear the memories that I have held onto from my childhood of conflict that was never properly addressed or resolved, I fear all of these things and so I push them away through my reaction, and where I react within and as my ego to protect my self interest and self righteousness, to believe that I am right and another wrong, to continue separation and continue endorsing the beliefs of myself as my mind.


When and as I see myself reacting to a perceived "conflict" or something someone has said or done to/against me that I perceive as having "done wrong," I stop and I breathe. I realize that what I do with this reaction will determine who I will be in this moment and the moments to come. I realize that this reaction is based in my memories, my self interest, and my limited ability to see and understand what is really happening. I realize I can only really know myself. I realize I can only really take responsibility for myself. I commit myself to seeing these reactions and stopping them in their tracks, not allowing them to accumulate, not allowing myself to justify, and not allowing myself to cultivate and nurture grudges against others because I feel wounded and like I have been done wrong. I commit myself to being HERE in the present moment in physical reality as well as HERE within myself within and as my breath, supporting myself to move through physical reality in self honesty and self responsibility as what is best for all in appropriate response and self direction.

When and as I see myself wanting to reveal to another what someone has said or done "against me" which I have perceived as having "done wrong," I stop and I breathe. I realize that here I am seeking external validation and am sabotaging myself, the person I am talking to, and the person I am talking about in terms of sabotaging each individual's ability to remain present within the physical reality of the here and now. I realize that this is no best for all. I realize that this is not self honest. I realize this is not self supportive and it is not taking responsibility for myself. I commit myself to writing out my reactions, to dealing first with myself in self honesty, and then to dealing only with the other person when appropriate to do so, keeping these kinds of conflict "in house" as much as possible, respecting the other person enough to trust that they can show up to face themselves and face me and face ourselves as life as what is best for all, and also respecting myself enough to trust that I can do these things. I commit myself to cultivating compassion and unconditional love, and nurturing a practice of honest communication for mutual understanding and growth and realizations of self responsibility, as what is best for all.

When and as I see myself wanting another person to suffer or be punished for what they have said/done wrong, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is not up to me, that I can only take responsibility for myself and who I am in every moment. I realize that forgiveness is key -- forgiveness of self and forgiveness of other. I commit myself to cultivating compassion and unconditional love for myself, to see when and how I have done wrong and to understand why I have done wrong, to forgive myself for it, and to investigate how I can align myself with what is best for all. I commit myself to seeing another as myself, as one and equal as life, so that in understanding and forgiving myself, I can truly self honestly understand and forgive another, not because "I should" or because "it's right," but because it is best for all: myself, other, and all life.

When and as I see myself holding a grudge or repeating words/actions of another against me in my mind, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this means I have not forgiven myself or the other. I realize that this point must be walked specifically. I realize that allowing this grudge and these memories to continue is TOXIC chemical waste within my mind which will contribute to my mind dis-ease and will destroy my relationships with others and with myself. I commit myself to seeing these grudges and thoughts/images of words/actions, and investigating them specifically as to what it is I am believe I am missing that I am trying to fill or resolve through these behaviors. I commit myself to walking self forgiveness on these points to see who I really am here, to forgive myself for that, and to commit myself to change, then to apply myself to change, to be changed.