Specifically I guess I've feared that I will get hit by a car and die/be injured, but I think I have also feared a kind of embarrassment as I have sensed myself as being less than competent in riding my bike efficiently and effectively around cars and so I have assumed/projected that car drivers will judge me or be annoyed with me or have some other negative reaction to me as a bike rider. So here not only have I not believed in myself as my ability to keep myself safe and make competent decisions while riding a bike, but I have also not believed in myself in the sense that I have shamed myself in my perceived ineptitude and projected that shame onto others where I have assumed others are going to judge me negatively.
So in all of this I have told myself "I can't" without even trying, and within this I have limited myself extensively in my actual abilities as well as within my perceptions/thoughts/beliefs/feelings about myself and who I am and of what I am capable. Well, I am an able-bodied human being with a bike. So it would seem that I am perfectly capable of riding that bike. And as it turns out, I am.
I had "toyed" with the idea of riding my bike to and from my yoga studio on a few occasions. Sometimes I just flat out rejected the idea as a reaction in fear and self-doubt. Other times I realized that I wasn't completely comfortable and confident on a bike and I recognized some of my learning needs (which tends to be observational / being shown / guided and then independent), and that it would be better to get more practice in before attempting a long trek by myself. I also realized that I still had a lot of fear... And if I couldn't actually release myself of this fear, then I would manifest it in making impulsive decisions around cars that likely would not be safe. But in my recent commitments to taking responsibility for myself financially and my brother's suggestion that I consider riding my bike to work, I had a new added reason to get over this fear to see if riding my bike the 9 miles to my new job and back was even something I could consider. So finally yesterday I quite simply decided I wanted to do this. Like really actually, I wanted it, for me, not to show anyone else that I could do it, not because anyone else wanted me to. So I prepared myself mentally for the fact that I would wake up this morning, do some chores, and then ride my bike to my yoga studio.
I knew I would meet resistance and anxiety along this stretch of time leading up to the departure, but I really didn't face a whole lot. What I did encounter, I basically just didn't feed, within the realization that it was false mind energy conjuring up excuses and justifications for not moving myself forward within this new activity. I noticed that I felt a little stressed and impatient this morning leading up to the time I would have to leave, where I was actually trying to be ready to go in time but was also thinking somewhere in the back of my mind that "oh well I guess I'll just have to drive instead!" But when I looked again at the clock and saw that I had time, I went for it. And it was freeing. It really wasn't very hard either.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself within and as my fears of what might happen if I try something new.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself within and as my thoughts/beliefs about myself as what I am capable of doing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the thought "I can't do that" when I have identified something I might like to try to do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is anything about me which serves as reasoning or justification for me not being able to do anything that the average able-bodied person can do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit what I believe I can do with my body through and as my mind, where I have limited what my body is capable of within my participation within my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify something I want to do and even to think about the practical benefits of that activity (exercise, save money on gas), and then still to limit myself in my ability to do that activity and then identify myself as helpless/hopeless/victim in relation to the benefits of the activity where it's like, "sigh, I guess I don't get to partake in that, because I can't do this."
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can't do something unless I have another person there to help me or to show me how or to basically do it for me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only feel safe and secure when there is another person with me. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to feel safe and secure within and as myself.
I thank myself for giving myself the time to become familiar and comfortable with my bike and also the time and space to become familiar and comfortable with riding my bike around cars. I thank Dan for repeatedly agreeing to serve as a kind of guide for me here.
When and as I see myself limiting myself within fear, especially fear of my ability, I stop and I breathe. I realize that new activities do require learning and that there is a lot of room for falling when trying something new, but that this is how I will learn and become more comfortable and confident. I realize that I cannot succeed if I do not try, and that I am failing when I let fear direct me. I commit myself to release myself of fear and to consider instead the actual consequences of my actions and my participation in new activities and to see what steps need to be taken practically to assist and support myself in succeeding when facing things that I fear.
When and as I see myself arguing for my limitations, I stop and I breathe. I realize that "if I argue for my limitations, sure enough, they're mine" [Richard Bach]. I commit myself to directing myself from and as myself in self-honesty and self-responsibility and not within fear and self-limitation.
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