Cravings "may be triggered by seeing objects or experiencing moments that are associated with the drug or usage of it, and this phenomenon, termed post acute withdrawal syndrome, may linger the rest of the life for some drugs."
How did I come today to see my relationship with food as an addiction? When I was driving, and the car approaching behind me was a particular shade of grey, and this reminded me of a telling sign of what I believe to be an especially delicious cookies n cream milk shake, where the white of the ice cream turns grey because the milkshake is so saturated with oreo cookies. Then, I wanted a milkshake. Of course, this wasn't the first craving I had in the last couple days.
Similarly as I have tried on and off to quit drinking wine, I'll have a moment in my day where I can taste the wine on my own breath, even though I've not had wine that day, and then I will crave it.
Or craving the feeling of smoke in my throat, or the exhalation of smoke into the air. Even coughing, and the feeling of the chemicals taking effect after the exertion of coughing, and the tightness in my chest.
Various things will trigger these cravings, where within my mind I am always looking for that drug, that chemical and behavioral fix.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the creation and engagement of images, tastes, smells, and other sensory experiences within my mind where my reaction to these images is positive and I think / have the energy that I want to partake of that image in reality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as memories of past experiences with various substances, from this desiring to relive that experience.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to monumentalize moments of experience in memory as desiring to relive that experience through craving.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine specific consistencies or coloration of food, such as a milkshake, and also the temperature and texture, and imagine this as something which I wish to have in reality based on my memories of my experiences with this food.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remember experiences with smoking where I had specific bodily physical experiences and to feel nostalgic about those memories and want to relive them because of what those experiences represent or because I am nostalgic about the period of my life during which I lived those experiences or I miss the people with whom I had those experiences.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not even go into craving really but simply to as a thought-energy want to partake in a particular substance based on my emotional state / how stressful my day has been, where here I see that today was somewhat stressful and at one point today I thought about how I could come home and just "let loose" and drink some wine.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to focus only on positive / feeling memories where my cravings are only informed by the "positive" "pleasurable" and "enjoyable" experiences I have had. Here I see that I would not say to myself, "Wow I would really like to feel really overwhelmed and paranoid and out of control right now! That would sure be fun!" or, "I want to feel sick to my stomach and very full right now!"
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to enact and live out something in the physical that is based on my imagination of that experience within my mind, where here I see that not only am I only remembering the positive / enjoyable experiences while failing to recall the negative experiences, but I also see that this desire is created purely within my mind through and as my memories and associations with that substance.
I forgive myself also for not accepting or allowing myself to be here in each moment of experience so that, for example, as I am eating a milkshake, I am not necessarily fully experiencing it in the moment, but am instead eating it quickly, or am focused on something else at the same time, so that actually I am not really living within and as that moment, so that when that moment passes, I have not satisfied myself as my desire to experience that moment.
So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself not to crave actual physical reality experiences, but instead to crave my idea of those experiences manifested into reality, which is not possible anyway, because my idea of those experiences is not based in real actual physical experience but is constructed through and as my reactions, associations, emotions/feelings, etc.
I forgive myself also for not accepting or allowing myself to really be here in each moment of experience so that I can see for myself how that experience does or does not serve me so that, for example, as I remember smoking, I can remember clearly the paranoia that sets in or the sense of being out of control, instead of only remembering the idealization of the experience within its associations of what is "cool" or what my friends did or what experiences with it I did enjoy in the absence of remembering any of the other experiences which were equally valid and real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create these relationships with these substances such that I have difficulty engaging in their use in a balanced manner, but instead easily slip into abuse of these substances, rather than allowing myself to enjoy them responsibly and in self-honesty, instead frequently giving myself over to the substance and my experience / associations of the substance. I realize that these substances are not the "problem," per se, but that my relationship with them and my abuse of them is the "problem."
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to listen to my mind as my idealizations of experiences as cravings rather than listening to my human physical body as what it actually requires in any given moment or how I can best support myself through what substances I use.
When and as I see myself experiencing a craving, I stop and I breathe. I realize that cravings are figments of my imagination created through my reactions to experiences, my internal emotional/feeling experiences, and the associations I have created through my experiences. I realize that these kinds of cravings are not real in that they are not based in what my physical body needs. I commit myself to breathe and to reflect on the craving, and then to let it go. I commit myself to check in with myself as my body in self honesty and to communicate with myself about how I can best support myself physically.
I commit myself also to not get "ahead of myself" in the sense that here I see that I wish this was not an "issue" or "problem," I wish that I could simply engage in these activities responsibly -- because I want that badly to engage. But I realize I am not there yet, and in fact I only see where I am now, I do not know if I will ever be "there" in terms of being stable in these relationships, I can only be here and now. So I commit myself to focus on now, who I am today, and how I can support myself in self honesty and self responsibility today as my actions and what I put into my body.
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