1. I went over to my mom's for easter today and while I was helping prepare dinner she brought up a topic which turned into a big loud discussion/debate. A family friend had posted a meme on facebook which she found offensive. The meme said: "Happy Pagan Sex Day, or whatever Easter was before the Christians fucked it all up." The discussion wasn't long but after a few minutes my mom's boyfriend got involved and it became a little chaotic. I didn't feel tense (and typically I feel very tense in any kind of conflict, and often don't care to engage in conversations with my mom about religion since we disagree) but I could tell that my mom's boyfriend felt very strongly against what I was saying, whereas my mom was kind of just processing and seemed to come around to my point of view, in a way, by the end. My bottom line was really that my mom was blaming this other individual for her being offended, when in reality what this person says or does does not need to affect her and she is letting herself be offended. My mom's boyfriend, on the other hand, claimed that people who are offended are the people who keep other people "in line" and also that it is the government's job to keep people in line. I just calmly stated that I didn't know if I liked those lines. He then said that if he gets up on the roof and falls off he's going to hurt himself, and that's just the law of nature. And I said yeah, but we're talking about laws of man, which are made up and don't need to be the way they are, and then I said that because of the laws of man, since he doesn't have health insurance, any medical help he would need from that fall would put him in severe debt. He just said he may not need medical help. It wasn't a very compelling argument but it was interesting to see how heated he got. It was all pretty friendly and my mom ended the conversation knowing that we had to go pick people up for dinner and other more important things. After it was over I did finally notice a physical shakiness that usually (visibly) accompanies conflict, but during the "conflict" itself I felt pretty calm and collected. Later at dinner she read an excerpt from some book by Lee Strobel about Jesus and the resurrection and how the fact that his disciples saw him after his resurrection and then were willing to be martyred for that fact was compelling evidence more than any other religion. Normally I would roll my eyes profusely at this but since my involvement with desteni I have come back around (having been raised christian and then become atheist and absolutely rejecting all things christian for a time) to see Jesus as an example of an attempt to implement a best-for-all reality, and through my understanding of a conversation with my friend I have seen him even as not really from this world but indeed a messenger, both god and man (as we all are, I think), but whose message became warped and manipulated by man. So I had no real problem with her excerpt as I would have last year, and thanked her for sharing it even though she expected me to be unhappy with it. At the end of the night, too, I gave her boyfriend a big hug. If anything this "argument" probably brought us all closer as it was one of honesty and understanding and I feel pretty proud of myself for participating in it to the best of my honest and tactful abilities.
2. My grandpa couldn't come to dinner because he's too sick. He has cancer, in remission, but is also just plain old, and has lots of health problems including ulcerative colitis. There's nothing I can do about any of this, as badly as I want to suggest all kinds of alternative medicines and health practices in the hopes that I can make a difference. I have never lost anyone close to me so his ill health is a reminder of a new challenge to come.
3. At the end of the night my brother had a bit of a meltdown, as he is prone to do. I already knew he was upset when I picked him up, but he told me he didn't want to talk about it. The night went on pretty okay but by the time our other brother left he was visibly upset again, and he and my mom went into her room to talk, and shortly thereafter I could hear him shouting and crying and throwing/smashing/breaking things. They were in there for at least 20 minutes before he came down and I took him home. He was sad more than mad, which is less scary than having to be with him while he is still mad, but is just as depressing to witness. I knew he wouldn't want to talk at this point, but I told him I love him and gave him hugs and offered to take him to my yoga studio on wednesday and an errand of his choosing (he's upset because he has his car now, but no gas for it, and still no job, and doesn't show up for my mom's generous house cleaning (for pay) offers).
Historically my response to encountering my brother's struggles is to become overly involved and worried. I spent a long time getting way too wrapped up in my mom's choices in dealing with him, and I spent a long time being mad at him or too frustrated with his choices, so I've shut him out except in pre planned family gatherings. I've tried to stay out of his interactions with my mom and my mom's dealings with him. But maybe there is a way to be in, to be his sister and a point of support. I told him about the "argument" debate thing and my POV that my mom being offended by his roommate's meme had nothing to do with his roommate and everything to do with her and her response choices. He seemed to like that perspective, and told me it was very healthy, and I said "well, I'm trying," with which I wanted to communicate a sense of humility and humanity and imperfection but striving to grow. I know he feels really out of control with his emotional responses. I know that my life is pretty awesome compared to his. I know I'm way more responsible than he is. I know I don't share his extreme struggles (although there are many struggles we do share that we haven't ever bridged together). I can't pretend to. I think one reason I sometimes resist being real with him is that I'm almost embarrassed and feel bad that I can be more capable than he is, when he's my older brother and wants me to admire him. He feels like a failure. But he doesn't take responsibility for his failings.
Driving home after dropping him off I felt my brow furrow and recognized my automatic response of worry and becoming wrapped up in something I can't control, something too that can serve as justification for any of my own sadness or struggles, something that serves as a reason for others to pity me or think I am strong. Why isn't it enough for me to think I am strong? Why isn't it enough for me to deal with this encounter by myself? Why do I need to reach out to someone and tell them the challenge, even when I actually do feel capable of handling it in a way that breaks my patterns of despondency and helplessness, even when I already know the answer? Why do I want another person to see me as strong, to think "wow" at what I have been through? It is a seeking of external validation because I have taught myself that my self is not enough.
4. A fourth has come up, as truthfully the majority of point 3 was paraphrased from a chat with my friend, with whom I shared this challenge as a kind of validation seeking behavior. Also in this chat was the excuse that while I have an extensive history of effective and productive journaling (although it's been at least 2 years since I've really been involved in such a practice), I get more out of a conversation, presently, than I do out of completing my DIP assignments. The DIP lite assignments are somewhat limited in the expected format and subject-matter, but that's certainly not a reason not to do my own journaling outside of DIP, nor is it really an excuse not to write whatever the fuck I want in my DIP cause it'll probably get approved anyway. :) I have been taking sweet advantage of the limitations and drawn-out format of DIP lite to feel like I am doing something toward my growth without even really putting so much as a toe in the deep end. I'll get to it. I want to learn SF first. Well, that's bullshit, and whether it's via DIP or my blog (to which I recently started posting my DIP, and so feel like I can't or shouldn't post anything else?) or a personal journal, I need to facilitate opportunities to practice self-reliance in my process without relying on a friend to lend an ear or waiting for my DIP lessons to go deeper or stuffing it all down and snuffing it out because I don't want to actually look at it, certainly not alone. In some ways I'm impatient about it, but mostly I'm relieved that I don't have to go deep "yet."
emotions:
indecisive
1.
emotions:
chaotic
frustrated
tense
shaky
unsure
alarmed
opposed
feelings:
calm
mature
tactful
articulate
understanding
informative
brave
proud
honest
open
2.
emotions:
sad
helpless
disappointed
scared
worried
impotent
ineffective
powerless
3.
emotions:
worried
annoyed (a little)
scared
apathetic
numb
embarrassed
ashamed
ineffective
hopeless
feelings:
humble
capable
4.
emotions:
lazy
resistant
dependent
incapable
needy
scared
lonely
in-valid
impatient
feelings:
relieved
No comments :
Post a Comment