Unconditional Forgiveness of Self and Other and the Process to Actualize this in Reality - Day 170

I recently acquired a book (Radical Forgiveness by Colin Tipping) that a friend recommended to me when I asked her how I could bring myself to the place of unconditional love and forgiveness that she had created for herself.

I read the first section of the book and found it to be insightful and also in line with many things I have learned through walking process with desteni, although much of the terminology and reasoning differs.

The first section is actually available to read here: Jill's Story

Now, if you've read the story you've probably noticed a lot of talk about souls and I don't know a whole lot about souls although I've heard that according to the desteni perspective, they don't exist (anymore). I'm choosing to overlook this and some other details and simply take from this book and this story that which suits me in healing myself and in forgiving myself and others unconditionally.

I set aside the book after reading (and scribbling all over) this first section and allowed it to "sink in." I then became overtaken by migraine for two days (I'd had them daily for a few weeks, but these two days were "off the charts" in terms of pain) and so even if I had wanted to I was not really functioning enough to be able to revisit the book or the process I have now set myself to walk in relation to this point.

But I see that I have a few resources accessible to me, this book, the new eqafe interviews about resentment (Part 132, Part 133, Part 134, and Part 135) which would likely be excellent resources, and also the suggestion to have a look at something Jack wrote about parents and what I understand to be maybe a kind of Freudian theory in regards to romantic relationships and parent relationships... I've yet to search the depths of the desteni website to locate that document, though.

I also see that since I have released myself out from under the "dark cloud" of energy it would be very easy for me to skip along my merry way and never look back, until suddenly I would again be faced with this point. Part of why I resisted or doubted the decision I made as a boundary for myself to release myself from this chaotic internal energy was that I feared I was simply running away and evading facing myself. Well, yes, that would be one way to move forward. But the "plan" so to speak was to release myself from the energy via this boundary, and then deal with the energy for as and by myself, on "my side" of the boundary, as is necessary to be done to really actually in fact release myself from myself.

And I have been resisting this, or edging on resistance, but that is okay, it takes some time to get "back on my feet" so to speak and then I was hit with the consequential migraine, within which I constantly questioned my decision like as if this migraine was indicative that I was in fact running away or wasn't doing what was self honest or best for all.

But the fact of the matter is that I get migraines and I have had migraines daily now for a few weeks / months, indeed during the time that I was allowing myself to create and then live under that "dark cloud" of energetic storminess. So having released the trigger for that most oppressive energy through the setting of a boundary, and also having collapsed my posture into the pain, and also having continued then in the calendar of what each day brings and the anxiety that I have created in relation to certain events, it seems to make sense to me that I would go "off the charts" in pain on Saturday, and then be even worse off yesterday after having seen a chiropractor which really is rather traumatic for the spine especially after it having been over a year since my last visit. Today, I am up and moving, albeit slowly and carefully, and I am looking now too at what I must do with this energy that is still with me, lest I suppress it and allow it to come up again at a later time.

And another reason that I had not wanted to read further in this book is because I first wanted to process that which I had already read.

So onward now to the section of the book that did in fact support me in realizing that I cannot run away without facing further consequences and so must continue to face myself and release myself from myself rather than trick myself that just because the stimulus is now gone, the energy is too. It is not. It is still here as me as who I am and as how I will automatically react if and when another stimulus comes along. So, to direct it and take control as the creator of myself now through an as-of-yet determined process, but I have the tools, and I know where to get more support.

Early on in the story one character asks the other, "Jill, can you ever remember feeling this same way when you were a little girl?" And immediately I saw myself in this as I had already previously come to recognize that the conflict I was engaging in was simply me re-enacting scenarios and reliving my relationship with my dad. This came up in CoDA as well when a woman pointed out that she just felt like she would break if one more unexpected thing happened, and she reflected back on how she feared she would break when she was waiting her turn for her father to beat her.

So I have to continue to look at how this situation mirrors for me what I have already lived but not healed through my relationship with my dad.

Then there comes the idea that, "Life will always prove your beliefs right," and "If he hadn't [stopped mistreating you], you would have felt perfectly happy to leave him and find someone else who would treat you as though you were enough. We always create our reality according to our beliefs." And so here this plays into the realization that I was unhappy in this relationship / friendship, and I knew I was unhappy, but I did not feel "perfectly happy to leave" because this relationship / friendship confirmed for me my beliefs about myself and thus set reality in alignment with my beliefs.

However, "Looked at from a spiritual standpoint, our discomfort in any given situation provides a signal that we are out of alignment with spiritual law and are being given an opportunity to heal something. It may be some original pain or perhaps a toxic belief that stops us from becoming our true selves. We don't often see it from this perspective, however. Rather, we judge the situation and blame others for what is happening, which prevents us from seeing the message or understanding the lesson. This prevents us from healing. If we don't heal whatever needs to be healed, we must create more discomfort until we are literally forced to ask, 'What is going on here?' Sometimes the message has to become very loud, or the pain extremely intense, before we pay attention."

And so here we are indicated toward the time-loop effect that comes into play when we ignore our reactions and energies and allow them to overtake us to where they will then direct us in our living when and as these various scenarios arise. However, to face, direct, and clear the energy is to heal the wound so as to take self directive principle of oneself and one's life, thus "learning the lesson" that is within the friction or discomfort.

And in this way, "having yet another opportunity to look at and heal this issue is a gift!"

Later, on page 26, "Any time a situation in our life triggers the memory of this pain or the idea attached to it, we emotionally regress. Thus we feel and behave like the little kid who first experienced the pain." An experience to which I can very much relate as I knew full well that I was behaving in a way that was immature and childish and failed to take into consideration what I have learned throughout the years since the first incident and especially what I have learned in process. Hence also my experience of seeing myself as "young" and therefore "inferior" at work.

The story does not really show the work of forgiveness as applied in the physical. Instead it suggests that this is a personal internal process, "There is really very little for you to do... From this point on, it's more a question of how you feel inside yourself. Do you understand that you are no longer a victim? Do you understand that Jeff is no longer a persecutor? Do you see that the situation was exactly what you needed and wanted [created]?" So here I am now to watch myself as my internal movements and direct my energy and heal myself.

So here I see how this whole ordeal is really just basically a way to see who I am as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and to heal that, and that if I don't heal it now I will have to face it again.


Okay, so:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to create rules and regulations for myself on how I "should" heal myself based on what I believe other people want me to do or what I believe other people think I should do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge and doubt myself as my chosen way of healing this point within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a relationship / friendship that I did not enjoy simply because it confirmed a belief within me that I was not worth anything better.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in argumentative communication that sapped my energy and created more angry energy for me because for me this was a way to relive and re-enact my relationship with my dad in trying to find a new solution. I realize there is no solution within this, the only solution is with healing the original pain.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to involve another person in this game that I played with myself and another of reliving and re-enacting my relationship with my dad.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame another person for the things that my dad did or said or was because I saw so many similarities and my energies were so much the same that it became difficult to differentiate, so that all of the past unhealed energy from my relationship with my dad also became a part of this new situation / relationship / friendship and so that person became the target for my anger and blame and hurt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go through life thinking that I can just sweep my pain under the rug and that it does not have to influence my living, as long as I keep it tucked away and hidden.

I forgive myself therefore for accepting and allowing myself to be abusive and irresponsible with myself and others by not facing myself and taking responsibility for myself and who I am within and as my thoughts, back chats, judgments, beliefs, and energetic reactions to conflict.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my reaction to conflict as "just the way it is" and not something I can control when in reality it is something I must face and heal so that I am able to stand clear and stable in communication with another even when we disagree.

I realize that my aversion to "conflict" is limiting me in many ways in my life because within it I also have an aversion to open honest communication because I fear that this will birth conflict.

I realize that what I fear is what I manifest and by expecting or fearing conflict I will end up communicating in a way that births conflict.

I realize that conflict can and does exist within and as me even without it existing within and as another or within and as our communications.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to take full responsibility for myself and who I am within and as conflict.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see similarities between another person and my father and to not really think anything of this, not realizing that this is meaningful in an energetic way and that the accumulation of these similarities and my noticing these similarities, not directed, meant the demise of the friendship within my mind and my inability to handle the energy that came up while still participating in the friendship, and so I had to create a boundary just to be able to breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a dynamic within myself still of "winning" or "losing" like in an argument or conflict where I want to withhold my friendship as a way of maintaining within my mind that I have "won" or I am "winning" because withholding my attention from another person is one of the only tools I have ever developed to try and gain power in a relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be stuck in polarities of inferiority / superiority and winning / losing such that I have never accepted or allowed myself to truly exist equal to and one with another individual or all as life.

I commit myself to equality and oneness and discovering how to live this as me.

I commit myself to focusing on myself in healing these wounds and to continuing on in this process using the new tools I have for self support and taking responsibility for myself in self honesty, and abandoning the old tools of blame, judgment, hatred, anger, manipulation, withdrawal, and hiding.

I commit myself to identifying the specific points within this broader point of the grudge, the wall, the father-figure, the desire, the disdain, and whatever beliefs I have created and existed within and as about myself, about others, about men, about relationships, and about life, and walking through and clearing those points as a gift to myself to assist and support myself to living equal to and one with all as life as what is best for all.


I'll be revisiting this topic periodically as I move through my resources and discover points to share.

As Reality Changes, So Must I - Day 169

One of the things that I have identified as "stressful" recently has been the increased age and illness of my grandparents.

Today my mom came to me with a "proposition" where after two days ago my grandparents looked at and very much disliked an "old folks home" then yesterday we discussed the possibility of someone coming into their home each evening to help out, now today we are looking at the possibility of my mom and myself going over there on different evenings to help out. She wants me to pick two evenings that I would be able and willing to do this.

I am able and willing but I hit a couple road blocks that are basically like the spoiled brat within me coming out. Also fear.

So firstly I am in the process of living my life for myself, having released myself from certain energies I created in relationship. But obviously this cannot be done selfishly and so this is not an excuse to not help out members of my family who need help. But I notice that I get a little stuck on that point because I am not the greatest at time management or mood management and so free time + good mood coinciding is difficult to come about, where within that free time and good mood I can enjoy activities rather than waste time in a bad mood. Central there, I guess, is mood, which is great because "mood" is a thing I am learning how to direct, and taking some of "my" time to give to others (who happen to love me and have been of tremendous support within my life) is probably only going to serve as a support for learning to direct and manage my moods in a way that is best for all and best for me rather than merely self-serving.

So that point is moot.

Secondly I have this sense of feeling unsure, "awkward" even, of how to take care of my grandparents and ensure that their needs are met. Do I even believe I am capable of this? Well, what does the task involve? Going to their house right after work, sitting, chatting, maybe emptying the dishwasher, preparing whatever meal they will have that night, do the dishes, and leave. Maybe some days I will do laundry too. My mom says that sometimes when she goes over, she just sits on the couch or the patio and reads, because simply the fact that she is there is pleasant for them and then if they need anything they can call for her. So this is actually very simple. Also enjoyable, because I really do enjoy my grandparents.

I do tend to slip into this "youngest child," "baby" personality though where it's like I've always been the "observer" in my family, watching the "big people" do things and take care of things, and also sometimes argue. So in that sense I am now moving into, as an adult, the role of "actor," one who actually does those behaviors I have always watched, and I find that I have little confidence in my ability to do this and also feel like I will be watched judgmentally by those around me to make sure I am doing it right, which is a kind of pressure point and is completely self-made. I mentioned this somewhat to my mom and she pointed out that it is a point of growth, which makes sense. I am not a kid, even if sometimes my role as "the youngest" makes me feel perpetually like a kid, that is just a personality I created to cope from within my position in my family, and now I am an adult and I have self directive principle over myself, so to not limit myself within my beliefs about myself and of what I am capable or what others expect of me or what I should or should not do.

(A weird thing that I keep coming up against in the last few weeks/months and also with the idea of growing older is this idea of holding myself back in imagining myself as young, immature, incapable, etc., and hoping someone else will take care of certain things for me so that I don't ever have to learn how. But really, in the past 10 years I have done some of the very things that I now limit myself from doing in various forms and all with quite a bit of success. So what's with that? Fear of growing up? Increased anxiety? Removing layers (facades) of "functioning" personalities only to find some of the less functioning ones underneath?)

So again it seems as if this change of going to my grandparents' house two nights a week will in fact assist and support me to grow within this point, to release myself from self limitations of being "the youngest."

"The youngest" is also an interesting point in relation to victimization, which is something I have done a small bit of private writing on in regards to communication and work, where here in this instance it's that I have 2 older brothers and so I ask why I have to be the one to do this (and the answer is obvious) and so then feel like "I have to do everything," which then either serves to break me down or to build me up in my ego as I feel self-righteous in how I participate in more than others do and how I manage myself "so much better" than others and that is why I am entrusted with these kinds of tasks.

And that is interesting to look at in relation to what I was writing earlier today in regards to self-victimization in relation to "effective and tactful communication," so perhaps I will try to find a good time to share that here.

Lastly, and perhaps most avoided through the above points, is simply sadness. Grief. Not liking what is happening and not being able to do anything about it*. A feeling of revolt about the idea of going to a stressful job only to leave and "work" at my grandparents' house (because this "bad thing" has happened), and tied to that the idea that I have no one with whom to share that grief: Loneliness. Within that I notice an urge or desire to basically "complain" and to make it sound as if I have it bad. But I don't. I just feel alone, and so that is some weird misguided tactic to get attention / support from others, whereas the converse of that is to act as if it is no big deal at all, as often happens when someone does in fact offer me their sympathy. The solution is to stand tall and stable as myself, supporting myself, and to continue to do what I can to support myself in all areas of my life.

(*But actually I can do a lot about it: I can ensure that my grandparents continue to enjoy their lives even up to the very end, and I can support my grandma by researching ways to support individuals facing Alzheimer's and I can make her a schedule so that she knows what is happening etc. etc. I cannot change reality, no, but I can support it to exist in a way that is best for all. To resign myself in defeat and not do anything because I believe I cannot do anything is self dishonest and self irresponsible and only allows me to get more and more cozy and enmeshed within my self limitations.)

The idea of wanting someone to "lean on" or "go through this with" is an interesting one, because within it I reject the individuals who are naturally already here: My mom, my grandparents, my other family members. We are all going to deal and cope differently. What is it exactly that I perceive as being the thing that another person could give me that I think I need? Why can't I get that from myself, if not my family members? Sympathy, support, understanding, maybe a hug here and there. By insisting on getting this from someone else, I am insisting that I am not enough. I mean this is where the belief comes from. I am not enough, because I have not entrusted myself to be enough for myself.

So the solution again is to be enough for myself, again to come back to myself, again to support myself first and to not move until or unless I am the one moving myself, as self directive principle of myself, which I will not do unless or until I am stable within myself.

It is interesting how I resist adding things to the mixture of my daily life within the belief that this will somehow limit my expansion or development and put a "wrench in my plans" where here I notice that I am planning and so am trying to control and so am in my mind and so am not in the physical, whereas the physical is always changing and fluctuating and to support myself is to create myself as stable within that fluctuation, able to adapt and adjust and move myself deliberately to support my environment and reality to exist in such a way that is best for all, rather than moving against it and sabotaging what is already here and already breaking so that it breaks more because I am refusing to take responsibility for myself and insisting that others do this for me.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear change and new developments within reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get hung up on all of my internal fears and beliefs to such an extent that I tend to finally feel "caught up" with reality just when reality shifts again.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to assist and support myself into a version of stability that only takes into consideration and account my present experience of reality, within this therefore not assisting or supporting myself to remain stable when and as reality shifts and changes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to throw like a little tantrum at being asked to show up and assist and support my grandparents in a selfless way. I realize that actually in doing this I will be assisting and supporting myself to grow and expand and mature and within this I will be able to see realize and understand new things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resort to self-victimization when and as I feel overwhelmed with my life circumstances in such a way where it's like I count all the various things I have to "deal" with and feel upset about it rather than stopping, breathing, and dealing with what is in front of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear and resist the very things that could and will likely assist and support me to grow and expand because I have feared change and I have believed that there is some kind of end-point to my "recovery" where at some point I will no longer have to adapt and adjust or "work" but instead will simply "be" and be able to remain in a state of stability.

Maybe. Maybe I can. But not until I do the work and continue to adjust and adapt and learn how to just be with what is, in a state of stability.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a point of self-victimization where within it I want to have someone to basically complain to and give me sympathy and act like they understand and maybe let me cry on their shoulder, like as if this makes anything "better" when really nothing is "wrong," simply I am not accepting or allowing myself to support myself absolutely, instead am drifting off into caveats within my mind wherein I think about how "bad" things are or otherwise am allowing myself to get caught up in my internal emotional energetic movements rather than standing stable as self directive principle of myself and dealing with what is here in physical reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel lonely every time that something new and "bad" happens because I realize that I basically have no one to complain to about it and so then I feel lonely and even less capable of dealing and I believe that this is some form of self-care to wish I had outside support, but if I step back and look at it, where am I heading within that energy? Nowhere. Down. Stuck.

I commit myself to committing to taking care of my family whatever way I can that makes sense, and I realize this way makes a lot of sense.

I commit myself to not run away from the things that I fear just because I fear them. I commit myself to stop and look at the fear and see myself as the source of the fear as my beliefs and judgments. I commit myself to walk through the fear to the other side and see that there is more room there to grow.

I commit myself to realize that things change and that reality shifts and changes and that to support myself is to support myself to be stable within all environments even those that change.

I realize that there is no stopping point and no end point to this process, that as far as I can see I will always be adjusting and adapting and growing and expanding and facing points within myself to birth myself to life. Maybe someday I will be stable without so much effort. But not today.

I realize the skills I am learning now about self awareness and self regulation and self support are skills which will expand but could one day be mastered. Not today though, and not by magic, only by practice as practical application.

So today I commit myself to continuing to be here within and as myself and seeing what is around and within me and seeing how I can assist and support myself to remain stable no matter what.

People-Pleaser, Interpretations, and Believing My Energy Protects Me - Day 168

Two things that I noticed when re-reading yesterday's post:

1. How much my "people-pleaser" personality was still in effect as I was trying to figure out "effective and tactful communication" where while, yes, it is important to speak in a way that is easy for others to hear, it is not my responsibility to stop others from reacting -- it is simply the people-pleaser-me that does not want people to react or be upset with me or dislike me. 
• I can't remember whose blog I was reading last night but I'm glad I read it because it helped me realize too that sometimes reaction is exactly what gets people to see themselves. Of course, I can't orchestrate and control all of this, and I think the most self-responsible and effective way to communicate is still to avoid easily predictable and avoidable reactions (within reason), since I can't make a person look at themselves through their reaction (we all know all too well how easy it is to only look at and blame others when we are reacting, even while we are walking process, let alone before walking process). I mean it is clearly ineffective to send coworkers into an easily predictable reaction by stating things that I know they will disagree with or personalize in reference to their own work performance when I could be more tactful about this and speak it in a way that they can hear and reflect on instead of react. I can do this better and better as I become more and more stable in myself and more in each present moment in each breath to be able to consider the consequences and outflows of how I direct myself through my words. 
2. How I really just took my interpretation of that situation and ran with it. I had great success in stopping myself from going into a huge reaction about my interpretation, but the interpretation itself remained, and is still pure conjecture based on my own fears and also past experiences with these people and what I know or speculate about these people. 
• This is actually the same thing that I did a couple days ago too when I ended up crying at work because of an interaction that I interpreted to mean something when I didn't have all the facts. When I got more facts, it appeared as if I interpreted quite inaccurately, and yet I still held onto the energy which then contributed to informing this new interpretation. 
• What I notice with this also is how even when I am able to realize that I don't have all the information and that reality might be different than the story in my head, nonetheless I still hold onto my interpretation like as if that is more real than reality because it is what I am experiencing.
• So then my mind overrides reality and becomes my reality and suddenly I am not living in real actual reality anymore. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, even in a moment of trying to support myself, allow my people pleaser personality to shine through and direct me because I am so averse to the idea of another person reacting to me or being upset at me or not liking me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place others liking me above me expressing myself in self honesty and as what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blur the boundary between effective and tactful communication, and "not stepping on toes" or "walking on eggshells" wherein I have wanted to avoid conflict, reaction, or giving other people any reason at all to dislike me.

I realize people could identify any reason at all to dislike me and the only way that anyone could not dislike me is if I didn't exist. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enter into and resort to a serious depression through and as my people pleaser personality because I believe that it would be better if I didn't exist because at least then nobody would dislike me. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that it would be better if I didn't exist because at least then nobody would dislike me, and also at least then I wouldn't have to deal with this fear and worry and anxiety. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place pressure on myself to please and satisfy everyone around me in all ways always because this is simply not possible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect myself to do the impossible, which is not self supportive and also not supportive of others and so is nowhere near what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to hide from any indication that another person might not like me because I have never assisted and supported myself to remain stable even within this realization and instead become either defensive or self-defeating. 

When and as I see myself hating the idea that another person might not like me and thinking it would therefore be better if I just didn't exist or if I had done something differently, I stop, and I breathe. I realize that I do exist and that I am in the process of purifying myself to be the self directive principle of myself at all times and to behave in a way that is best for all in all ways always. I realize that other people are going to react to me because they have their own extensive collections of personalities, memories, and contingencies by which they limit themselves in their living in self-honesty, just as I have done and am ridding myself of now. I commit myself to these realizations and to continuing to investigate the people pleaser personality to see how I sabotage and abuse myself through this expectation of myself, how this damages my relationships, and how it damages my relationship with myself by sending myself into a devaluation of myself and diminishes my self worth and sends me to depression in wishing I did not exist or it would be better if I did not exist, triggering these kinds of self-beliefs. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take my immediate interpretation of a situation or interaction and just run with it as if it is reality, "running with it" by directing myself through and as that interpretation rather than through and as the physical as reality as life. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto my initial interpretation of something or whatever worst case scenario interpretation I can imagine as a way to punish myself and keep myself "in check" to suggest to and convince myself that perhaps it would be better if I did not exist because here I keep on running into these worst case scenario situations, but these situations are only within and as my mind because I do not have all of the details when I make my interpretations and even if my interpretations are accurate it is through my people pleaser personality that I end up reacting so severely to that interpretation so that even if I do make a mistake, I am not allowed to see it as just a miss-take, instead it is me and who I am immutably. 

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see my mistakes as miss-takes and to learn from them, instead attaching myself to the mistake as evidence of who I am and holding onto my internal reaction and internal self-deprecation as the self-talk by which I inform myself of who I am, rather than seeing, realizing, and understanding that this is not who I am it is simply a thing that happened and then I interpreted the worst perception I could think of as reality. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go to the worst case scenario that I can imagine and use this as my interpretation to the exclusion of any other possible interpretations and then within this to believe that the other people involved are like "perpetrators" in this scenario because in my interpretation of the scenario I am finding ways to convince myself that I am somehow "bad" due to how other people treat me or act around me and then in order to not feel "bad" anymore I project blame and just do a polarity dance where first I feel inferior and bad and then I feel superior and like a self-righteous victim and then the other person becomes "bad" in my mind and this informs future interactions with them which simply perpetuates the cycle of them probably not liking me very much and then treating me poorly etc. etc. etc. 

I realize not everyone is going to like me. I realize sometimes my interpretations are accurate. But I also realize that my emotions and memories inform my interpretations heavily and so:

When and as I see myself interpreting an interaction in such a way that suggests that another person is taking something out on me personally or does not like me, I stop, and I breathe. I first look at my energy and if I am already stressed, frustrated, anxious, depressed, angry, etc. Am I even stable enough to have an accurate interpretation? I then look at the information: Do I have the information I need to make an informed interpretation, or am I informing my interpretation through and as my mind and energy? I then look at my interpretation: What other interpretations are possible based on the information I am missing? I then look at myself: Is there anything in this situation or scenario or point that I need to investigate in myself in how I could be a better self directive principle of myself to support myself to behave in self honesty as what is best for all? How can I move forward now in a way that is best for all? 

I commit myself to authorize myself to walk through
and past the road blocks that I create in my mind
through my fears of my own reactions.

I also forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get stuck on the point of fear at the suggestion, for example, of going to the person who left the room and saying, "I noticed that you left the room right after I said x, I was just wondering if that offended you somehow?" (or something to that effect). I realize that this is a form of direct communication that, yes, could lead to conflict, or could not, but that would clarify the point for me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear this because I fear mostly my memories of engaging in conflict and my memories of hearing criticism and I fear my own reactions to what it would be like to hear criticism or have confirmation that another person is frustrated with me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my physical reactions as well where I expect and fear that I will shake or that my voice will shake or that my stomach will tumble and turn or my heart will race. This might happen, but it will decrease as I face it and direct it. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use all of these as great big road blocks that say "no entrance" so that I have not even accepted or allowed myself to try, or even explore in consideration what the potential outflows and consequences could be, or explore how I could make that kind of conversation more comfortable or supportive for myself, basically how I could assist and support myself to engage in that kind of conversation because sometimes that kind of conversation is necessary and will assist and support both parties to come to an understanding.

I realize I am the authority of myself and I have self directive principle over my own energetic reactions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take my interpretation and my energy over a situation and hold onto it so that if when and as I think about the possibility of getting clarification, I also hit a road block of my ego of not wanting to let go of my interpretation and not wanting to have my interpretation change because then it's as if all of this energy was for nothing and my mind does not want me to realize that this energy is for nothing and does not support me, my mind wants me to believe that my energy protects me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my energy protects me from harm or danger. I realize that my energy limits me extensively. I realize that using my energy as a protective force is accepting and allowing myself to be directed by and as my energy. I realize that my energy is not based in reality and instead based in my mind as a reaction to my memories, beliefs, systems, judgments, etc. So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and be convinced that my energy somehow protects me. I commit myself to exploring and investigating this aspect of my relationship to myself as energy so that I can release myself from this belief and free myself to be the self directive principle of myself. 

I commit myself also to continue in vigilant self-awareness so that I can see myself as I begin to react and as I begin to engage within and as and feed energy so that I can stop myself, breathe, and assist and support myself back to stability or an approximation thereof. 

Real-Time Self-Support in a Moment of Experience: Success - Day 167

I want to look at a point that came up today where I was able to apply self support within moments to bring myself back to stability, or some approximation thereof, and also look at how I can continue to support myself to fully stabilize and sustain that stability rather than accepting and allowing myself to get stuck and let the energy move me.

Today was a training day at work and near the end of the day I shared a perspective on a topic that was being discussed among the majority of the school staff.

I felt very minor anxiety / nervousness as I began to share but afterward distinguished how the mere fact that I brought myself to share my perspective showed an increase in my self-confidence and a decrease in my overall work-related and self-esteem related anxiety.

However, after stating the 2 or so sentences that I wanted to share to present my perspective (that perspective being that some people might not identify a student's behavior as "dangerous" and therefore, given the direction of a video we watched, might not disengage interaction with the student; however, sometimes even if a staff member does not identify the behavior as dangerous, it is still best to disengage, because at that point engaging is ineffective. I stated how a particular notorious student had never cussed me out, because I never engage him when he becomes uncooperative, and I cannot control a student / another person), I had difficulty telling how well I was received. My perspective was a bit of a caveat, so it wasn't really an opening point for discussion, and so the conversation moved on. So, there wasn't a lot of specific and objectively identifiable feedback to see how others received my shared perspective.

Aside from this, what I noticed while I was finishing sharing my perspective was two individuals seated to my right whispering to each other, and what I thought I heard was one say "Did she seriously just say...?" And the other responding, "Yep," after which the first person got up and left the room.

So this triggered anxiety in me and I almost lost myself to my reaction.

But, as I saw some of the specific thoughts and as I saw my mood drop and as I saw myself starting to shut down and as I saw myself starting to rely on some false negative beliefs about myself to explain why this happened, I was more aware of this as it was happening, rather than just letting it happen as if I have no control over that.

So I stopped myself, and I breathed. I had a few realizations which I will share shortly. And then, due to the place we were at in the training, I was able to take the opportunity to turn the page in my notes and start writing self-support of what had happened and what my realizations were and just basically write out how I almost got stuck, and start to climb out of that hole through writing. As I was writing I could also hear the conversation happening in the room and I noticed that people were using words like "disengage" and "you can't control the kids, you can only control yourself," so noticing this also assisted and supported me to stop my self doubt and self judgment because it was a kind of feedback that what I had stated had been received / was not rejected as "wrong" by everyone in the room.

So now I want to revisit some of what I wrote here (I will not copy word-for-word but the skeleton of the following is from my notebook) and also look at how I can support myself to not get stuck or hold onto this energy or these beliefs so that I can enjoy this moment which has no triggers, and also enjoy my weekend and also return to work next week without any energy to interfere with my professionalism.


Basically, I shared something, and could not tell how well I was received, and also thought that I might have heard the two people to my right talking negatively about me in a way where it seemed that they were offended personally by what I said. I interpreted and internalized this immediately so that I:

• Entered self-doubt and self-judgment
• Wondered if I should have not said what I said
• Thought, "Oh I guess they both hate me" (as opposed to just the one who I am already certain does not like me)
• Thought, "I should just not say anything ever"
• Thought, "I am worthless / stupid"
• Thought, "Well what am I supposed to do?" 
• Which was a point of getting stuck in reaction and lack of understanding where, because it was possible that I could have stated my perspective in a more "sensitive" way or could have been less specific so as to not risk others personalizing, I got stuck on what I actually did in fact do and how I didn't know how to do it any better, rather than seeing, realizing, and understanding that that moment is over, but if there is a need for change, I can change now in this moment and in the next moment, I can come to understand what I could have done differently or better, I can move forward, I do not have to get stuck. 
• So, this turned into: "I can't win, I can't do anything right, I am a failure" -- all absolute statements about who I am, and not just assessments of one action in one moment. 
• Then also thought, "Great, now I'm in x mood" -- probably the most easily identifiable abdication of responsibility over my experience of myself by which I realized I could stop and support and direct myself to a different solution. 

I was able to see some of these in motion or promptly after, and also see my mood sinking and see like a dark cloud come take over my whole weekend, so I stopped myself with the small quiet voice of realization that this is not necessary; it does not have to be this way; I have self directive principle over myself and my experience of myself.

So I began to breathe and process with myself, realizing:

• Another person's reaction to me is not who I am, is not indicative or definitive of who I actually am.
• Sometimes another person's reaction can help me to see myself and who I have been in a moment, and so assist and support me to face and change that point if I have contributed to a consequence/outflow, but:
• Another person's reaction is first and foremost their own and so does not necessarily indicate or define who I am, and, in this case, after self-reflection and also shared reflection with a trusted individual I see / realize / understand that I am not "bad" and I am not worthy of such frustration or malice, although there is room for me to improve in my communication of sensitive topics such as this when my perspective differs from the perspectives of others. 
• I realize that this is important both professionally and personally, because even if what I am stating is true and valid, facilitating a reaction in another person is not necessarily the most effective way to support them in understanding my perspective, and so, sensitivity and tact is a very useful skill to develop. 
• I have not been as good as I could about validating / not offending others specifically.
• I could have used a more generalized example so that no person would reflect on their own memories of themselves within the belief that I was talking specifically about them and that I disapprove of their methods.
• Within this the principle of treating others as I would like to be treated comes into play. I see how sensitive I am to negative feedback or even just perceived negative feedback on the basis of very little actual evidence, and so I can be sensitive to how others may also be sensitive to this, also sensitive to the internal experiences of others so that I can assist and support best outcomes from my place of understanding -- same as I do with the kids. 
• I have taken this one small interaction and have "made a mountain out of a mole-hill" or maybe even just a little pebble that might not even be a pebble at all, making inferences and then directing my internal experience based on those inferences / accepting and allowing the automatic response systems to take over and lead me into self doubt and self judgment and ultimately self hatred -- all from practically nothing, not one single piece of evidence within the physical to facilitate this kind of internal avalanche / snow ball of reaction about my self worth and who I am. 
• I cannot address another's concerns with me unless another voices them to me -- I cannot solve another's problems with me unless another tells me they have a problem. All I can do here is support myself. I know what I said was valid. I know what I said is an important component of the changes we are trying to implement. I realize I can be more careful about how I say things, but I also realize that I should not have to walk on eggshells just to not trigger reactions in others.

After we were dismissed I asked one of my coworkers if I could pick her brain, and so I asked her if she had seen anything wrong with what I shared. She said no, but she also hadn't heard what I had heard from the people to my right. I mentioned how I am such a people-pleaser that I can get really caught up in and worried about these kinds of reactions from other people, and she said she shares that struggle, but she has to just let those things go because "if you're making everyone happy, you're probably doing something wrong." Basically she validated me, reassured me, and then supported me to find some more tools to support myself. I also shared with her some of my ongoing concerns about job security (she responded that none of these people are my direct supervisor, and my direct supervisor is extremely happy with me) and also concerns about basically realizing that, whoa, I'm not a little kid anymore, and other people actually have more confidence in me than I have in myself. She reaffirmed that it is always okay to come to her or some of the other staff, that part of their job is to support the staff through these stressful, confusing, and frustrating work experiences.

So ultimately, in reflection, this was actually a really cool example of real-time self support and self change, to not allow myself to dip into absolute misery and anxiety just because of one small interaction that I interpreted a certain way and then extrapolated all kinds of personal meaning from. I notice a certain sense of fear here though, because I almost feel like it was mere "chance" that I was able to realize what I did and bring myself out of the reaction. I also feel like this is such a... fragile, stability for me... like it would not take much to override this and go right back into these self-abusive beliefs, so I see that from here I have to really release the energy and commit myself to actually let it go and not accept or allow it back in: to move on just as time moves on just as life moves on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself and then just sit within and as that self-doubt rather than seeking out perspectives from other people about my performance or how I can improve or how I can better support myself because I foster a belief that I am "bugging" or "bothering" other people and also that they do not like me, they are sick of hearing from me or even seeing me, and they wish I would just go away.

I realize this is obviously not true, even if I am still blocking myself from embracing the realization that other people like me and there is nothing wrong with me.

I realize this is separation and within this self doubt, anxiety, and separation as my direction, I will manifest my fears into reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to just assume that other people do not like me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I should just be able to "go it alone" and also that I should be able to be stable in myself and support myself absolutely "overnight" without any process of learning how to do this or needing to sometimes lean on or reflect with others for support and perspective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to talk to some admirable individuals and wonder at how they are able to slow themselves down so much so as to be aware of all of the dynamics within an interaction and juggle these different personalities of different individuals in a way that promotes best for all outcomes when assisting and supporting people to learn how to change to support themselves and do their jobs effectively / live effectively. I realize that this is an awesome skill that I am witnessing in these individuals and when I wonder in awe at them I am putting myself in a position of inferiority rather than seeing, realizing, and understanding that this is an opportunity for me to learn and grow and see how this skill looks when practiced and then adopt these perspectives and apply them in my own self direction wherein I can be a pillar of stability in first understanding myself and supporting myself and then understanding and supporting others, and then directing myself only after I have done these.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to often only consider myself and my own self interests, or only consider others and what it seems like they want or want from me, rather than considering all one and equal, first myself in to achieve stability within myself, then others / my environment to achieve stability in the outcomes of my direction of myself.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sometimes pigeon-hole others based on their past mistakes, within this holding a grudge, and because as within so without, I have thus prepared myself to do the same to myself such as in this instance where I got stuck on the point of a potential mistake or offense such that I believed this was self-definitive and who I am and therefore must always be, that I cannot get out of or away from this mistake, that this is a disaster, and I should just give up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become concerned that a specific set of people dislike me so much that they might want to get me fired, that maybe that person got up and left the room to somehow like write down what I had said as if they wanted to use it against me as an example of why I am a horrible person to work with and a horrible staff person at this site.

How paranoid!

I realize that I have been encouraged to keep record of interactions that occur that seem unprofessional or hostile or against best practices and so within this I have developed a fear or paranoia that others will be doing the same about me.

I realize that some individuals on campus hold a perspective or viewpoint that there is an "us vs them" dynamic where I am a part of the "them" or the "others" and so they have probably many of them pigeon holed me and might use me as a target of their anger and frustration about the changes that are happening because I am such a prominent presence and representation of those changes.

I realize that this means that it would be wise for me to develop and cultivate the skill of sensitivity and validating others, like kind of tip-toeing around egos because, even though I do not wish to validate any egos, I also wish to be effective, and I realize that validating others' egos is an effective way to get them to trust my opinion / perspective lest they just reject me absolutely and take out their anger and frustration on me.

I do not like that work involves playing such a game as this or participating in such "politics," but I realize that it is best for me to learn to do this in a way that is as self-honest as possible to support myself in my position of providing for myself financially and also supporting myself to work in a field that I enjoy and in which I am interested and also supporting myself in my own professional development.

So I commit myself to develop and cultivate this skill.



I realize I am the creator of myself and I have self directive principle over myself and my experience of myself internally.

I commit myself now to release this energy and this memory from me, to move on to some other activity within my day that supports me to get into my body and is enjoyable.

I commit myself to watch myself as my mood shifts and especially to keep myself noticing if when as I think "Great, now I am in x mood," so that if when as I see myself thinking this I can stop and breathe and assist and support myself by looking at the series of internal events that led from one mood / experience of self to the next and how I can regain my stability for myself and direct the energy in a self-supportive way.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to almost get carried away in and by and as reaction and energy and negative self-talk and negative beliefs about myself and who I am absolutely, digging myself into a hole that I would not be able to easily climb out of, piling on top of myself layers of energy that, beyond the point of initial creation, and thus the point at which I could most easily stop myself and re-direct myself to change my path and my chosen solution, it would be very difficult to release the energy and instead it would just have to dissipate until I faced the point again and again had the opportunity to stop and support myself in the moment of that experience.

I realize how crucial it is to see the experience as it happens, to see the shift and transition away from stability as it occurs, so that in that moment of first initial experience, in that moment of my direction changing, I can course-correct and re-direct myself back to a point of stability, within this also looking at and seeing the specific series of internal events that led to this change in direction away from stability so that I can see how these internal systems operate and reprogram them in that moment, rather than just allowing them to run and hoping they'll end sooner than later and then hoping they won't happen again or will happen less.

Within this I realize just how much I really am the creator of my experience and how self-awareness and slowing down to the speed of my breath in all moments so that I can be self aware of my internal operations is imperative in walking this process of myself to life.

So I commit myself to this kind of awareness and I commit myself to continuing to reflect on this experience in a self-supportive way (not getting re-stuck in the reaction!) to assist and support myself to further define for myself what exactly I was able to accomplish here and how I can assist and support myself to do it again in the face of other points.

Age is Just a Number and Life is Invaluable - Day 166

I want to revisit the point of anxiety at work from a perspective that is easily generalized to all of my living.

My previous full time jobs have been in environments where there have been other people close to my age who had similar roles or titles and also have provided ample opportunity for casually getting to know and befriend one another even while at work, which easily eventually developed into friendships outside of work.

At my old job that was most similar to my current job, there were at least about 50 people with my same job title, of varying ages and levels of education and experience. Many of them were younger, like in their 20s or early 30s.

So the point / perspective I want to look at is age as well as education / work experience and how within this current job I have limited myself in my social acceptance of myself because I am one of two individuals in our 20s and I am one of two individuals who only have BA degrees, among a staff of about 20.

I have known throughout my experiences of anxiety that one point / belief within myself was that "I am young" and "I am inexperienced" and within this I placed myself in a position of inferiority. But amid all of the anxiety and much other unrelated stress, I have had some difficulty gaining stability in myself over the last few weeks, and so I did not question or investigate these beliefs but merely allowed them to direct me and feed my anxiety.

When the point finally turned for me was the other day in a yoga class when the girl sitting next to me, who is about 5 years younger than me, but is a yoga teacher and is incredibly mature and has served as a wonderful example of forgiveness and self-responsibility for me, made a comment toward / about the yoga teacher instructing that class, who is probably in her late 30s. She said something like, "you're such a sweet pea."

And this struck me as strange because of the age discrepancy.

But then quickly I realized how basically "age is just a number" and here are two individuals existing as equals in respect of one another as human beings with equal value as life, so that the year that one individual was born does not determine or dictate who or how that person should be or behave.

So witnessing this very small exchange brought this point back to me while I was in a more stable existence within myself so that I could relate the point back to myself and especially my work relationships, so that I was able to see that my beliefs about myself as inferior because of my age or my experiences, and my belief that other see me as inferior, is all self-created and thus manifested by me in the physical through my behavior and especially through my anxiety.


I have also struggled at work with "boundaries" in terms of delineating between seeking support for work-related stress versus personal stress, since I have had plenty of both recently (and since I work with therapists so in a very vulnerable state it would be quite easy to just spill!). In the moments of highest emotional turmoil and anxiety it was hard to tell the line. But in reflecting on this age point and also my old jobs where I was able to forge friendships even with the people who were significantly older than me (in fact for most of my life my closest friends have been 3+ years older than me) and also some of the people with graduate degrees, I was able to see even more how I was limiting myself through my self-beliefs about my "position" basically as determined / dictated by the year I was born in relation to the year that others were born.

And so yesterday I hit a point of frustration and stress while at work to such a degree that I ended up crying in front of two of my coworkers, and they were very cool and supportive in helping me talk out what was going on for me, acknowledging my experiences, and also helping me to find solutions for the stressors I was facing. Also yesterday I was able to receive support regarding stress in my personal life, so basically yesterday was a cool day of support! Then today at work I was able to show up more stable and able to direct myself without anxiety about what other people think, also directing myself to seek out relations with the people I most enjoy and admire at work only to find myself welcomed and my presence embraced.

So although I think it was like a "necessary" part of my process to go through this phase of anxiety wherein I kind of pulled away from some of my coworkers, it was cool to come full circle in a way and come back to those relationships / sources of support without the lenses of anxiety and paranoia.

I am learning a ton at my job about so many things, which is really cool. I mean although it is extremely stressful (and it's not because of the students!), it is like a fire to purify myself in... while getting paid!

Anyway:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to somehow get caught up in age as more than a number.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define and e-value-ate myself based on my age in comparison to the age of the people around me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think of myself as inferior and also believe that I cannot or should not or am not supposed to (like some secret rule about which I have not been informed) forge and form work relationships beyond what is absolutely necessary with the people that I admire because they are older than me and have more education than me and more letters after their names and they probably want nothing to do with me and probably get annoyed when I hang around.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself in the shadow of people who have bigger numbers and more letters.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore or forget or disregard or discredit any indication that the people I admire enjoy or admire / respect me in return, and then cling to any minor thing that I can interpret as being possibly indicative of confirmation of my fears and anxieties.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put myself in a position of anxiety and self doubt and inferiority which is undoubtedly manifested in my behavior so that the other people around me probably or might sense that I am sensitive to criticism and so within this I become less trusting of the validity of what they say to me, doubting if it is true or genuine, believing that they are just trying to make me feel better.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself therefore to manifest these consequences of anxiety and beliefs about my own inferiority wherein I self-sabotage through living this out.

I realize that no person is ever going to bow down to me and tell me I am amazing in such a way that will ever appease my anxiety or self doubt -- and, even if they did, I would probably find some way to discredit and disregard this within my mind, seeing it as "not enough" evidence because I am the one who believes myself to be "not enough."

I realize I am the only person who can stop my anxiety and self doubt, because I am the only person who created it.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see, realize, and understand how age is just a number and we are all one and equal as life.

I commit myself to this realization in my living as what is best for all (and best for me!).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit my self expression and my LIVING through self doubt and self judgment and beliefs about my own inferiority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit my self expression and my LIVING through these things in such a way that I believe that other people want to suppress me and do not want me to go above a certain level of self expression and living, like as if everybody knows something I don't know and I need to just keep a low profile or else something bad is going to happen or people won't like me or I don't even really know what this fear is, just that it's a sense or an energy by which I have suppressed myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit and suppress my self expression and living as life as one with and equal to all as life.


When and as I see myself entering into or participating within and as an anxiety about myself as an inferiority point in relation to others as a comparison point about age or education, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am life and so I am one with and equal to all as life as the value of life. I commit myself to realizing myself as one with and equal to all as life as the value of life -- invaluable.

Self-Decision, Self-Direction, Self-Support - Day 165

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt and question and judge myself when I communicate to myself and then listen to myself about what I need to support myself and what is best for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consider other people as my projections of their opinions and judgments of me and what I should or should not do and why and what my choices say about me and how my choices define me when I am making a decision for myself about what I need to support myself and what is best for myself in my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always want input from others not just as a suggestion or perspective but actually as actual permission to set myself at ease that the decision I want to make for myself about what I need to support myself and what is best for myself is actually an "okay" and acceptable decision.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take away from myself my own self directive ability through and by self doubt and self judgment and believing that I am wrong or that I am incapable of identifying what is best for me, that what another person says or thinks is best for me is automatically "right."

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to trust myself when I communicate to myself and then listen to myself about what I need to support myself and what is best for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create judgments and beliefs about myself and who I am and what I should or should not do based on projections of what I believe other people think or opine and also based on self-judgments about myself and my history and my patterns and my tendencies where when and as I see that what I want to do is or may be similar to a previous pattern or tendency, I resist it because I do not want to give into that pattern or tendency even if in this instance it might in fact be what is most self supportive and best for me.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to support myself absolutely and unconditionally, within this trusting myself, and also within this allowing myself the room to make mistakes because it is only by allowing myself to make mistakes that I can also allow myself to find success in new ways of supporting myself and new ways of living where, if I have an idea of how I should or could best support myself in self honesty and self responsibility, I have resisted trying it because I have placed in front of myself road blocks in the form of judgments and doubt and projections of judgments from others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always look to others to provide me with direction for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek out permission from others when and as I see a decision that I want to make for myself, wanting permission from others to say that this is "okay" for me to do.

I realize that getting input and perspective is valuable, but within the belief that I need permission, this is not valuable and is not self supportive.

I realize though too that within the context of this particular decision, each person I have talked to for input or perspective has ended up agreeing with the decision that I want to make.

So here I have allowed myself to make a decision for myself while at the same time seeking out permission and validation from others, so I see how this instance is an example of one way to transition from only directing myself through and by others' suggestions into only directing myself through and by and as myself, where here I was able to create my own direction for myself and then receive feedback that suggested that this was a "good" direction and so now moving forward I feel "safe" in this decision and yet if this decision turns out to not be best I realize it was my decision and so if this decision is a mistake I can learn from it rather than project blame onto others for having guided me this way, and if this decision is a success then it can serve as an example of having listened to what I have communicated to myself about what I need to support myself and what is best for myself, so therefore this decision and following through on this decision will assist and support me in building self-trust within my process.

When and as I see myself feeling uneasy and uncomfortable within myself about a decision I want to make or a direction I want to take, I stop, and I breathe. I assist and support myself within this transition of other-directed living to self-directed living by first writing and speaking to myself about this decision or direction and delineating for myself the various voices and personalities that are contributing to this decision and then investigating what is self honest and keeping what is self honest and deleting and disregarding any portion that is not self honest. Then I assist and support myself by seeking out feedback and perspective from trusted individuals and I overlay this feedback and perspective onto my own direction or decision and from there I proceed within the realization and understanding that how I direct myself and what decisions I make is up to me and so it is my responsibility whether the decision or direction is a mistake or a success.

I commit myself to complete the process of this particular decision and direction. I commit myself to process this decision for as and by myself now that I have established for myself that I am the only person who can make this decision and no amount of input or perspective or permission from anyone else changes that fact. So I commit myself to commit to this decision in consideration, and if in pure self consideration I still find that this decision suggests the best outcome for supporting myself and what is best for myself, then I commit myself to carry out this decision. I commit myself to not turn back. I commit myself to support myself to give myself the time and the space to breathe and to come back to myself and to give myself back to myself. I commit myself to communicate this decision from a starting point of stability and to be absolutely clear in my communication so that there is no room for confusion. I commit myself, when I make this decision, to make it a final decision inasmuch as I will try it before I abandon it, and trying it will require time and space to test the decision, so that I will have to live out this decision before I can determine if it was a mistake or a success.

Boundaries and Control - Day 164

Last night I had a dream wherein I somehow came to reconcile with an old friend from college. I guess this was one of my first really big friendship grudges. There were others, but this one was big.

The dream was quite a few hours ago and I don't remember a lot of it now, but I remember that when I woke up right after, I knew I was telling myself something.

I remember that within the dream, although this person and I reconciled, I was placing clear boundaries for myself in the relationship. Basically, okay, we're not "enemies." But I don't know if we're really close friends either. I didn't want that. Actually I think within the dream it had to do with "we can be friends again, but I don't want to live together again" (we had been roommates in the dorms).

And then I think at some point in the dream I came home, which I guess was also her home at that point, and she was doing something that I didn't like, and then in the dream I stopped and realized that this is also her home, and she can do whatever she wants here.

I guess part of what this dream brings forth in what I can remember of it is: boundaries and control.

Without proper boundaries, I feel very out of control and then try to assert control through my emotions and reactions.

With having placed the boundary in the dream (a little confusing to think back on it because the dream is so fuzzy to me now), I was able to let go of the need for control over another person and simply have control over myself. I was able to realize that in a situation where I didn't like something, I am the subject and the doer in that sentence, so I am the person that I need to deal with to resolve that issue.

Boundaries is something I've been grappling with for a few weeks or months now. I've only recently begun to understand them and understand how I can support myself within them. Basically my perspective is that a boundary is an agreement with myself. That's all, plain and simple.

Control is something that I've been realizing I only have if I am not trying to control something outside of myself. The moment I try to control something outside of myself is the moment I lose all control, which of course perpetuates the experience of trying to gain control of my environment if I have not yet realized that the only thing I can control is myself. Trying to control is to be out of control. Actual control is to just be with what is, within the boundaries as agreements that I set for myself in self support and self responsibility.

So I see how these are two key features of all my failed relationships with others and failure to sustain a trusting loving relationship with myself.


I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to set healthy boundaries for myself within friendships and relationships.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dislike the things that other people choose to do that do not affect me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the things that other people choose to do that do not affect me in such a way that is detrimental to the relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to also react to the things that other people choose to do that do affect me in such a way that is detrimental and ineffective, making the other person feel like I am limiting them and like I am manipulating them because that is the reaction I am having within my sense of being out of control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel out of control when things that I cannot control happen.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to realize healthy ways to communicate my needs so that other people can potentially make choices that will serve as a compromise and agreement for both of us within a shared living space or within a friendship or relationship (example: instead of sitting up in bed and making some snarky comment about how I'm trying to sleep, I could have had a calm and collected conversation with my roommate about please not having sex with her 2nd boyfriend that her 1st boyfriend doesn't know about while I am in the room).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my emotional reactions as manipulation to try and control other people because this was the only tool I learned how to use in many instances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to and try to control other people in ways that do not affect me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel out of control when other people are simply living their lives the way that they want to.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to place boundaries for myself when I see that the things I cannot control are not things that I want to accept or allow myself to be around or impose upon myself (example: instead of staying in a harmful friendship too long, I can first communicate why I dislike the way another person treats me and then, if it does not change, go elsewhere, rather than holding onto that friendship as a confirmation of my belief that it is what I am worth and that the only way to prove to myself that I am more valuable is to stick it out in the hopes that I can change this person or convince them to treat me better).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my self worth and my quality of life outside myself into the hands of others so that because of this I have felt like their choices, actions, behaviors, etc., are direct reflections of who I am, and so therefore I want to control them to create a picture of myself that I can live with through others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself and others as life through this dynamic such that then if the other person does not bend at my will and be "a good friend" to me, I am able to then create a superiority complex for myself while at the same time continuing to live under the premise that who they are is a reflection of me, so that within myself I feel both superior and better-than and also inferior and worthless.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see realize and understand how what these other people have reflected to me in these instances is my self imposed need for control which is in fact unnecessary, within this showing me how I have not taken responsibility for myself in having control over myself and in making choices and decisions for myself to support myself, instead depending on others to stay within some kind of undefined imaginary boundary that I am not even fully aware of, let alone them. Also how I have not been a good friend to myself or to others, how I have not created boundaries for myself to assist and support myself in choosing healthy friendships and how I have not accepted myself as who I am, instead needing others to show me who I am through who they are through again my perception of them, a perception which is sick and toxic because I have not been self honest, self responsible, or self supportive.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to place healthy boundaries for myself of how I will respond in any given situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stay in harmful situations for too long.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stay in harmful friendships for too long.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold out and hold onto the hope that another person might be able to change and be the person I wanted them to be.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to accept other people for exactly who they are, and then direct myself accordingly, according to who I am and what I need in self support, instead trying to change other people to meet my needs for support.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have unclear and unmarked boundaries so that really the only boundary that has been in place has been my reactive emotions which of course is not consistent and is pretty nonsensical within the physical because my reactive emotions are based on all my many memories and beliefs and other internal mind things that other people do not share with me because they do not share my specific experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within this often make many friendships all about me in some ways because here I am delineating the appearance of the relationship based on my shit that I carry around as memories and reactions and beliefs.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to take full responsibility for myself and realize what is mine and what is another's.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always want to take care of what is another person's business, leaving my own business to rot or fester or grow.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am so worthless and so untrustworthy and to doubt myself so much that if, when, and as I see a boundary that needs to be set, I feel like I have to justify it or explain it with emotional reactivity or some kind of impending danger rather than simply seeing, realizing, and understanding that this boundary is what is best for me and letting that be enough.



I commit myself to continue to look at boundaries and setting clear boundaries for myself, which, depending on different factors, may be malleable within a moment of experience in the physical in practical consideration of what is best (so, not setting rigid rules).

I commit myself to continue to look at how I use my emotions, especially anger, to try and control outcomes.

I commit myself also to looking at how I use my emotions to justify my boundaries when really all I need is to set a boundary for myself and live by it. I do not have to explain myself; the boundary is mine.