The Self-Saboteur - Day 22

This morning I had a pretty hard time. I found myself crying on my way to my 2nd day at my new job. I was, and still am, feeling pretty overwhelmed. But it's not really about anything to do with the job or job description... It's more, I guess, the change/transition, the regret, the expectations of myself, more of the regret, and just feeling really out of control and unstable, and more of having high expectations for myself and my abilities. Knowing what I am trying to do here and how I am struggling with it, and then seeing how I had a "good thing" at my old job where I made just enough money to work a job that wasn't too hard where I was already proficient and enjoyed my coworkers, and where I had plenty of time (maybe too much time!) to reflect throughout my day and integrate and process, and could make stability within myself and my process a higher priority. But that's not to say I can't still. It's just to say that right now I need to attend to this transition, and attending to this transition in an effective and productive way is actually still very much participating in supporting myself, gaining self-trust, and stability, and it's still part of my process, because I am my process!




I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stay up too late last night such that I knew I was not making practical preparation to assist myself in waking up in the morning to get ready for work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage in reckless self-saboteur behavior such as staying up too late and sleeping in too late because I feel depressed and hopeless.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the thought that, "I've already fucked myself over, so I might as well fuck this up too" and "I'm just a fuck-up."

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to have compassion, understanding, patience, and sympathy for myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see my strengths.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as feelings of intimidation and overwhelmingness to where I doubt myself and my abilities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my fears within and as regret such that instead of facing my fears I go into self-victimization about how I've fucked up and I can't have back what I lost but I can't move forward and I'm fucked.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to support myself, love myself, take care of myself, be patient with myself, and all of the other things that I and all deserve as life.


When and as I see myself participating within and as self-defeatist self-sabotaging thoughts, feelings, and emotions, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am reacting within and as a huge build up of mind energy and I am letting that energy move and create me. I commit myself to really stop and breathe so that I can see more clearly how and why I am reacting within and as self-sabotage: what do I fear? I commit myself to come back to my breath so that I can move through and as my breath so that I can face my fears and obligations in a way that supports myself as life.

When and as I see myself participating within and as reckless, self-sabotaging actions, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have let my mind energy win when I come to the point of apathy and not caring about my consequences. I realize that I am not supporting myself when I am reckless in my behavior, and here I commit myself to try out a new morning routine which starts at night: go to bed early, rise at 5, run with my dog, eat a good breakfast, and spend my morning with myself in a leisurely, calm, supportive way. If I can, I also want to do write or do a pre-write at this time. Likewise, I realize that I am not supporting myself when I am reckless within and as my thoughts and emotions and feelings, so I commit myself to notice when I am accepting and allowing my thoughts, emotions, and feelings to build up and out of my control such that they are running on their own energy. I commit myself to really stop and breathe here so that I can calm myself and come to my chest-region and move myself within, through, and as my breath.

When and as I see myself participating within and as feelings of regret, I stop and I breathe. I realize that by participating within and as regret I am living in the past and I am avoiding something that is in front of me. I realize that I cannot change the past and in fact there is nothing wrong with what is in front of me. I realize that I am reacting to and as my fear of change. I commit myself to really stop and breathe and look in front of me to face my fears and see how I have created them. I have designed these fears and so I can face them.

When and as I see myself judging myself and not taking care of myself, I stop and I breathe. I realize that by judging myself I am not supporting myself and I am maintaining existence in and as my mind energy of ambivalence and cognitive dissonance wherein I always accept and allow myself to consider and often prefer options other than what is. I commit myself to really stop and breathe and to take care of myself by giving myself understanding, patience, and compassion. I commit myself to investigate why and how I have developed my self-judgments.

But here I'm lying because I don't want to publish this because I am judging myself for it and I really just want to give myself a manicure, eat some strawberries, and go to bed. You know what, that's okay. I can want to do that. I can do that. That's who I'll be right now, and if there is a consequence to that, I will learn from it. But probably what I will learn is that it is okay to rest and to take a break and to relax and to enjoy and to not push push push myself so hard that I break.

The Mirrors in My Peers - Day 21

swimming in the bullshit of my mind...

trying to sort some things out here.

1. I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere. A few days ago I felt like I was moving SO FAR and this is AWESOME and look at this CLARITY. But right before that I was where I am now, which is kind of forlorn, lost, lonesome, really unsure of myself... and really judgmental of myself: second-guessing everything and then guessing again so that I just don't know what's real, what's true... lost in my mind to where I really just don't trust myself. I really cannot distinguish if I am lying to myself. 
2. So I think within this I have come to realize what is happening maybe when I seek that outside influence or source of support not so much to "validate" me (which is something I've started blogs about over and over but have never finished as I get lost in my mind and the need for the validation about which I am writing!) but at least to push me along, to encourage me, to give me that nod/smile/approval that I am going the right direction. 
• I have judged this "need" for an external source of support as being "bad" and support as being something I absolutely need to find within myself and only within myself, withholding from myself the support that is around me to help me as I gain my stability, not realizing that I cannot stand up automatically, my legs are weak, and while I cannot and will not accept or allow myself to expect another to carry me, it is okay to get a hand. It's okay. I don't have to fucking hate myself for wanting a hand. 
• I often feel like I am going "too far" the "wrong way" without guidance to slow me down and point out things I might not see. I feel this way often, including, for example, in work situations, where I often doubt my success unless it is explicitly approved of and praised. I can run run run but pretty soon I'll realize I'm not toooootally sure where I am, and I get scared, and I want someone to tell me where I am is the "right" place to be. I want to be able to be that person; I want to be able to identify for myself if I am "on track," if I am really being self-honest, if I am really taking responsibility for myself... but these are muscles I am still strengthening, and maybe they are stronger than I realize, but even so I have yet to realize how strong they are. I do not trust myself to guide myself, YET. 
• So I have seen tonight that it is within and through others that I see myself. We all know this, right? The mirrors in our peers. It kinda rhymes so it must be true. What I'm trying to say here is that when I am able to actually "talk out" what is happening in my mind, a definite coping mechanism within anxiety (and thus I judge it), I am able to see it in front of me, much like when I write here, but when I write here I get lost in self-doubt and the belief that I am not able to guide myself because I don't trust myself to guide myself, because I sometimes really cannot tell when I am lying to myself. Am I making that up? So when I write here I second guess before I even have the opportunity to conclude anything or to take the steps toward a conclusion. (And here I judge myself too for not having a conclusion, and I make it such that it is not okay to just observe and accumulate awareness, I must find an answer!) But within a supportive conversation with another I can bounce myself off the other and receive feedback as a way of seeing myself and who I am being. 
• So I have to learn eventually to do this here in my blog in writing for myself, not relying on others to act as my mirrors for me, right? I have to learn to trust myself and not rely on impulsively communicating what is happening within me in order to see it, but to just see it by seeing it. But in the meantime I also have to stop judging myself for wanting a hand, for wanting some support, and for not trusting myself yet and not being stable yet. 

Gonna go to SF now cause even in this I am getting really caught up in wanting to scrap the whole thing, as I so often do, because I have all these judgments about what I have written and about myself for having written it. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as judgment of myself within my process for self-change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as judgment of myself for needing and wanting support from others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the expectation that I should be able to change simply by realizing and becoming aware. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the belief/excuse that when I am experiencing resistance to writing, which is a resistance to facing myself honestly, I am just too tired or not smart enough to make anything of what I see. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as contradictory frenetic mind energy wherein I doubt myself and then I doubt myself for doubting myself and then I doubt myself again. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach judgments about myself to those doubts. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the belief that I am "bad" for needing/wanting support. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the belief that I should be able to stand up right now in stability in self honesty for now and forever, just like that. And I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry with myself when I see that I cannot do that, that this is a PROCESS. 

I forgive myself for not actually forgiving myself. 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself within, through, and as my breath. 

When and as I see myself wanting support from an external source, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I struggle within and as a need for validation, but that I also cannot do this alone, nor should I. I commit myself to try to distinguish between my need for validation and when I legitimately need/would benefit from support, and I commit myself to support myself by taking advantage of the support around me. 

When and as I see myself judging myself and expecting myself to be perfect and strong (flag-point here: maintaining a strong front since childhood) and stable, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am walking a process that requires patience and diligence and self-honesty and above all: self-forgiveness. I commit myself to really actually forgive myself, because there is nothing productive about wallowing in self-judgment. 

When and as I see myself starting like seriously 5 blogs in one night and not publishing any of them, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am stuck in my mind, my judgments, and my doubts, and that therein I am not with my breath and therein I cannot practice and gain self-trust and stability. I commit myself to enter my chest-region through my breath and to move from and as my breath and to test myself and my explorations within my self-expansion such that I can see who I am in each breath, even if it is someone I don't like, or someone I think others won't like. I commit myself to being more candid in my writing such that I am not requiring some kind of conclusive ultra mature totally enlightened post of myself. I commit myself to let me really actually see me and to let you see me so that you might maybe see yourself. 

Source of Support: Self or Other - Day 20

I feel like there's some bullshit here I'm not quite managing to cut through.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as a sense of lack within myself to where I feel like I need someone else to affirm me and validate me in order for me to feel "okay."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as a sense of myself as being incomplete, wherein I experience myself as inferior and as needing someone else to make me whole.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as a sense of lack within myself to where I feel like I need someone else to provide me with a look, a smile, a hug, or a short conversation to "refuel" or "recharge" me, ie re-energize my mind into a positive feeling state to get out of my negative feeling state.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as a sense of lack and believing that that lack is inherent within me and can only be fulfilled by an external source.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the belief that I cannot stand by myself for myself and that I need another to support me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as an energy shift from negativity into positivity when I get attention from a desired source.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always be looking to what I think I need, neglecting to look at what is happening within and as myself, who I am being in the moment of that need, how I am creating that sense of need, and abdicating responsibility for who I am and my creation of lack and need, placing that responsibility outside myself for someone else to make me who I want to be and for someone else to fulfill my self-created needs.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to support myself not only through action, as I have been practicing by pushing through resistances, but within and as my thoughts toward myself about myself to where the main thoughts I tell myself are ones which do not support myself as one as equal as life but instead diminish myself and my abilities and my worth/value within my world and my relationships.


When and as I see myself participating within and as a sense of need from external sources, I stop and I breathe.

I realize that by creating need within myself and placing the solution to my needs outside myself I am abdicating responsibility for myself and prolonging my process toward stability and self-trust. I realize that when I see myself participating within and as a sense of lack and need for validation from an external source, it is then that I can practice validating myself and supporting myself, and herein I will find stability and strength and self-trust that I can stand by myself for myself as one as equal as life.

I commit myself to really stop and breathe so that I can come back to myself honestly and assess how and why I am creating need and how and why I am participating within and as a sense of lack within myself. I commit myself to continue to explore how I can build stability and self-trust within myself. I commit myself to practice validating and supporting myself through my thought, word, and deed so that I can know myself honestly and be responsible for myself and the world.

When and as I see myself participating within and as thoughts about myself which diminish my abilities and my worth as one as equal as life, I stop and I breathe.

I realize that I am abusing myself and that by not providing support for myself I am contributing to my created need for support and validation from external sources. I realize that while I can find stability and self-trust by pushing through my physical and mind energy resistances to my process, I am still not supporting myself within and as my mind such that whatever progress I make is negated and devalued by the thoughts I participate within and as about myself.

I commit myself to really stop and breathe so that I can come back to myself honestly and see how and why I am choosing to abuse myself through my thoughts about myself, my abilities, and my worth. I commit myself to changing my thought patterns to be more supportive of myself within self-honesty and self-responsibility so that I can see myself as one as equal as life.

Unknown Variable SF - Day 19

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as mind energy about an unknown variable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as fear about making that variable known.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as a reaction to potential results of that knowing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as ambivalence about whether or not it is "worth it" or "makes sense" to try to know about this variable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as judgment of myself for even caring about this variable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as my imagination about what another person will think or say or do if I try to know this variable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as thoughts about the subject of this unknown variable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the belief that this variable being unknown is a problem.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the belief that I need to know the answer to this variable or else I cannot be okay. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as focusing in on this one variable such that I neglect other interests and neglect myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as myself as my self worth being dependent on the answer to this question.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be too scared to ask this question.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as thoughts that I am stupid for wanting an answer to this question.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as placing myself as an inferior within the dynamic of seeking an answer to this question, to where I am stupid, inferior, and "wrong" for wanting an answer and to where the person giving the answer is smart, superior, and "right" regardless of the answer.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as a fear of being vulnerable, open, and honest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate the answer first within and as myself, since there is still much that is unclear about my own answer.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as mind energy pertaining to this question when it is not even possible for me to ask this question at this specific time. I thank myself for writing about this question and variable and the mind energy that I participate within and as such that I can begin to see more clearly and self-honestly what is happening and who I am accepting and allowing myself to be within this unknown.

When and as I see myself participating within and as mind energy about this variable/question/unknown, I stop and I breathe.

I realize that by participating within and as my mind energy I am exacerbating the element of the unknown to where I am drawing inaccurate conclusions based on mind energy about what is true or not true, which changes moment to moment based on my most recent experience of emotion/feeling/thought (mind energy). I realize that by participating within and as mind energy wherein I am judging myself for my participation and for the fact that I want to know the answer, I am abusing myself unnecessarily so that I see myself as "bad" or "wrong" for caring. I realize that there is still a lot about this unknown variable that I must investigate for myself independent of any other answer, and that possibly the only answer that matters is the one I can find within myself.

I commit myself to really stop and breathe so that I can come back to myself honestly so that I can see how I am participating within and as my mind and thus am abusing myself. I commit myself to write about my participation within and as this specific mind energy in relation to this specific unknown so that I can eventually come to understand and see what is happening and who I am accepting and allowing myself to be here. I commit myself to write out what the asking of this question might sound like so that I can see for myself what all of my contingencies are and what everything is that I must consider for myself before it makes sense to ask this question. I commit myself to re-align myself with myself and my self-expansion such that I am not locked in to knowing this variable and instead am allowing myself to focus on the many variables I do know and wherein I can expand myself. I commit myself to continue to work diligently and patiently toward self-trust and stability so that I can stand by myself so that I might stand with another.

The Nature of Anxiety Exercise - Day 18

Tonight I listened to The Nature of Anxiety - Atlanteans' Support - Part 82, and gained some insight on what anxiety is and what function/purpose it serves. Mainly I learned that my consciousness utilizes anxiety as a short-cut to directing me into emotional/feeling energy. So anxiety is really like a flag-point to where, when and as I see myself experiencing anxiety, I can know that I am about to move or be moved, and I can intervene and stop my mind and be my own self-directive principle.

The other point that stood out to me was the point that I cannot be unnecessarily hard on myself. It will take time, practice, dedication, and discipline for me to stop energy before it comes up. So this is important to know when and as I see myself being impatient with myself and my process and becoming discouraged within and as myself. 

It was suggested at the end of the interview to make a list of 3-5 specific instances in my life where I find I go into anxiety, and to describe the scenario with the specific moment that anxiety appears, as this is the moment that I can capture and intervene and decide for myself who I will be in that moment. Presumably the next interview discusses self-forgiveness over these instances and moves on to other ways to assist and support oneself within and as anxiety, so here I will try to first determine what personality/character I tend to go into in each of these instances, then I will apply some self forgiveness and try out my new self corrective statement skills. There will be a lot more that could be opened up on each of these, so that will be nice to come back to in the future when I undoubtedly meet resistance and don't know what to write. It will not be short, but I think it will be pretty sweet!

1. When I think about conflict or see someone with whom I am in "conflict"
• Sometimes I become quite defensive, but I think just as much I become rather helpless and scared. 
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view another person through the filter of "conflict" wherein when I am "in conflict" with that person and I see or think about them, I participate in feeling defensive and/or helpless and scared. 
• When and as I see myself participating in feeling defensive and/or helpless and scared within the context of being "in conflict" with someone, I stop and I breathe. 
• I realize that when I participate within and as a feeling of defensiveness and/or helplessness and fear, I am not directing myself to resolve the "conflict" within a common sense best for all solution. 
• I commit myself to really stop and breathe so that I can come back to myself honestly and direct myself to see myself and the other person as one and equal and to seek honest understanding, communication, and resolution without the interference of emotional reaction. 
2. When I think about making art
• Often I go from anxiety about making art into thoughts about being incapable of creating art that is as "good" as past work. 
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be intimidated by the process of making art such that I doubt that I am able to create art that I "like" or that is as "good" as art I have created in the past. 
• When and as I see myself participating within and as intimidation at the process of making art, I stop and I breathe. 
• I realize that by accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as intimidation, I am setting myself up for failure either by not trying to make art or by trying under too much pressure. 
• I commit myself to really stop and breathe so that I can come back to myself so that I can see that making art is about self expression and freedom within and as myself to create freely without intimidation or judgment or pressure. 
3. When I think about a person to whom I am attracted, or that person moves closer to me
• I passively desire for that person to move even closer, which is to say that I become outwardly shy and/or distant, or remain neutral, but as my internal experience I enter into desire. 
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as desire and within and as passivity to where I desire another person while at the same time pulling away from them or at least not asserting myself in my expression of my desire to connect with another person intimately. 
• When and as I see myself participating simultaneously within and as desire and passivity, I stop and I breathe. 
• I realize that by participating simultaneously within and as desire and passivity, I am setting myself up for disappointment, confusion, miscommunication, and I am not directing myself but am waiting for feedback from the other person to determine for me how I should proceed (but actually am proceeding from within and as my mind and my interpretations and reactions to the fact that the person did not move even closer). 
• I commit myself to really stop and breathe and to further investigate what desire is and how it functions, and to further investigate what is the best way to proceed toward a best for all relationship so that no confusion or indecision is contributing to my passivity. Then I will continue to investigate my passivity. 
4. When I think about trying something new
• Pretty strong emotional energy of fear and flight; panic; run the other way or I even have a picture of myself crouched down with my eyes shut and hands on my ears saying "no no no no"! 
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as a strong energetic reaction to the thought of trying something new. 
• When and as I see myself reacting within and as strong resistance, fear, and panic to the thought of trying something new, I stop and I breathe.
• I realize that by participating within and as resistance, fear, and panic about trying something new, I am closing myself off to growth and expansion and also am participating within and as my mind and not within and as my breath. What is really so scary there? Nothing!
• I commit myself to really stop and breathe so that I can come back to myself and see that there is no real threat other than the threats my mind is conceiving, "there is nothing to fear but fear itself," and to, if necessary, systematically assess each fear or excuse and debunk it with common sense solutions within self honesty. 
5. When I think about how soon I start my new job (not when I think about starting my new job, but specifically the time factor)
• I go into half-formed thoughts about what I want to do before I start, how I don't feel ready, what if it was the wrong choice? "I need more time," etc. 
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as anxiety in regards to the diminishing timeline until I start my new job. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to halfway participate within and as thoughts about my inability or unpreparedness as I surely move through this transition within space and time. 
• When and as I see myself reacting within and as anxiety to diminishing timelines, I stop and I breathe. When and as I see myself participating within and as thoughts about my inability or unpreparedness, I stop and I breathe.
• I realize that time is going to go on no matter what I do, and when I participate within and as anxiety about time I am actually effectively "speeding time up" because I am accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as my mind where I am not able to see clearly and therefore use time wisely. I realize that when I participate within and as thoughts about my inability or unpreparedness, I am telling myself stories based on fear of failure that will not in any way make me more able or more prepared for what is coming with time. 
• I commit myself to really stop and breathe so that I can come back to myself and "slow down time" by calmly directing myself to be, here, now, where a minute of presence is longer than 5 minutes of anxiety. I commit myself to really stop and breathe so that I can come back to myself and realize that I have taken every step necessary to prepare for my new job and that the best way I can continue to prepare is to continue to practice being, here, now, within and as my breath, so that I direct myself in every moment, thus making me more capable to address whatever challenge I face. 

In all of these there is actually a big propensity toward paralysis as my reaction. I don't know what this means as far as my consciousness selecting a personality/character for energetic sustenance. Is my paralysis actually a kind of halfway house between energetic reaction and self directed response? In some ways paralysis is, of course, extremely paralyzing and makes it difficult to move at all, energetically or self-directed, but at the same time it prevents me from participating as much in the emotional/feeling energy. Or is it just another form of suppression? Is paralysis my form of anxiety such that whereas my consciousness uses anxiety to buy time to assess and move me, I can use paralysis to buy time to assess and move myself? Within paralysis, if I can let go of the urgency that comes with anxiety, maybe I can learn to use it as a period of quiet to determine who I will be for myself as myself. 

Maybe? 

Anyway, that was cool! Last night I was really struggling with feeling kind of aimless and lonely in this process. I realized that I had not taken the time to walk some self-supportive avenues through self-education. Tonight I made my DIP Lite lesson my top priority, then transcription, then I listened to an interview that was gifted me, then took on my blog to assist and support myself in seeing that I am capable of walking this process, because here I just walked. 

Thanks all for all the support. 

Insta-Blog - Day 17

Why isn't there a quick, fast, easy way to write a blog?


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself within and as my resistance to writing my blog.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be impatient with myself within and as my process for self-change through writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only want to write if it is a topic that is readily accessible/easy for me to consider and for which my words flow as quickly as my fingers can type them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself within and as my writing and what I write. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only want to publish solid, thorough blogs wherein I "see" myself "moving" and "progressing."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want this writing process to always be easy. Why would it be easy?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to show up here every day to prove that I can write every day, even though it's okay if I want to or need to take a break.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist continuing in my DIP Lite lessons because I know I am coming up on a whole new dimension of my process through self corrective statements.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be passive in my desteni education such that even when I have topics I want to write about, I feel like I lack some of the readily available tools that I could use to inform my writing and assist me in being self-honest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make my blog my top priority tonight from the motivation point of being seen as being consistent by my new peers rather than spending tonight researching new information that is relevant to some of the points I have been facing but do not yet feel prepared to write about. My priority is my self-change within and as self-honesty, and this blog is a way to record that, but it is not the only way to move forward within that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to excuse myself from writing a blog tonight because I am "tired" and have "had a long day."

The Migraineur - Day 16

It has recently come to my attention through the responses I received in a forum post I made that one prominent source of migraines, which I have experienced chronically for the last 6 years, is mind energy. Prior to this I had identified the following as the primary sources of my migraines:

• Not enough water
• Too much chocolate
• Poor spinal alignment/posture 
• Stress (within this I see now that it is more my accepted & allowed reactions to and as stress, not the actual "stressors" themselves)
• Too much strenuous thinking (which is mind energy)

I now add to the list:

• Cognitive dissonance, wherein my mind (un)reality is not in alignment with actual reality 
• Living within and as self-dishonest behaviors (thoughts, words, actions)
• The approach of a change or shift within myself (not sure how much this is my experience within and as my migraines, but I want to consider it)
• Fear
• Living within and as a need to control my environment and other people so as to suit my self-interests 

The second list is preliminary and is just a starting point for looking at and considering an expansion on my understanding of the sources of my migraines. 

I also, upon searching for confirmation of the spelling of "migraineur" (a person who experiences migraines), found as a suggested search in google the "migraineurs personality," so I clicked and found a page about the prevalence of "personality disorders" in migraineurs, one of which was suggested to be "borderline personality disorder." This is not a point I have discussed at all here, but I have been wanting to at some time. I have not been "diagnosed" with borderline personality disorder by any of the numerous therapists I have seen in my life, but even despite my awareness of my tendency toward hypochondria I have come to accept many of the "symptoms" of BPD as appropriate identifications of various patterns I have accepted and allowed within and as myself. So, it seems I must also consider the link between these various "symptoms" and patterns and my migraines. 

Having experienced migraines for the past 6 years and gone through various forms of intervention from therapeutic massage to chiropractic care to abortive/onset medication to daily suppressive medication to over the counter drugs and most recently to yoga, increased self-awareness within and as migraines, and the sometimes-utilized ibuprofen pm before bed, as well as heating pads and ice packs, I... actually see myself as somewhat prepared to take on this next step of increasing my self-awareness within and as my migraines within the context of mind energy. 

The funny thing is, when I started writing that sentence, I was not going to end it that way... I was trying originally to say that "I have experienced migraines for 6 years, so this is going to be really hard and deeply ingrained to figure out!" Which was a way of excusing my resistance to really facing this point... But as I wrote out the many ways I have already attempted to face this point throughout these 6 years, I see that by facing myself within and as my migraines within and as my mind energy, I am simply progressing to the next step as I should be, which is cool! It is still intimidating to me, though, to think of trying to face my migraines as mind energy, especially since it has been suggested that I do so while I am experiencing a migraine. Typically I live within and as my migraines as incapable and in "too much pain" to function properly, and just want to sleep. 

But within that there have been so very many times when I have had a migraine but also had something I really wanted to do or participate in, and I have been able to, either through the migraine, or in fact through the cessation of the migraine. So motivation & resistance are really the main factors there. I am my migraine and so I direct my migraine; it does not direct me. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my migraines such that I allow them to influence and determine my ability to direct myself and think, converse, and interact with and as life. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my migraines such that I dislike my migraines and blame them for ways that I have accepted and allowed myself to be. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my migraines as an excuse to not fully express myself and participate within and as life. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not recognize my migraines as my body communicating to, with, and as me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume that my migraines are out of my control aside from physical interventions. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify "stress" and "stressful situations" as a trigger for migraines even when and as I see that it is really my reaction to and as stress that influences whether or not I experience a migraine. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to neglect my body's need for water such that I get a migraine. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not diligently and seriously adjust and align my posture in every moment so as to live within and as optimal spinal alignment so as to respect my body and prevent the experience of a migraine. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to for so long feed myself strong prescriptive medications with moderate-to-severe side-effects as a way of staving off the symptoms of migraines rather than facing the causes of the migraines. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live within and as being intimidated at and overwhelmed by the prospect of self-honestly and self-responsibly facing my migraines, especially within and as my mind energy. What's up with that? A potential solution is seen here, and I resist it! 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want the easy way out, the quick fix, or the way that allows me to not take full responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself and my activities when and as I experience a migraine. 

Getting close to starting Self Corrective Statements in DIP Lite! :)