Memories as Inaccurate Detrimental References for Present Interactions Self-Forgiveness - DIP 4.8.2 - DAY 2

Today I was making plans with a friend and a text that he sent triggered a brief emotional reaction in me of resentment, inferiority, and lack of self-advocacy. A kind of "oh, it's always what you want to do / how you feel" thought wherein I have felt both angry and powerless, and then nonetheless allowed myself to hang out with people who I feel don't consider my feelings/desires for whatever reason, because I see them as superior / better than me. uhhh. convoluted, over a series of reaction chains. Here's the breakdown:

Friend: Ummm, I'm feeling thai, and a bike ride. Let's bike to thai, perhaps a different one...
Me: Okee! Good thing I'm not feeling something else. :P
Friend: Are you?
Me: No. Nothing in particular. I'm projecting actually, assuming something based on past interpretations/experiences, whoaaa.

On the one hand it was cool that I advocated for myself by mentioning in a roundabout way that there might be something else I'd like to do, and does that matter? And I got a great, reaffirming response, which was asking if there in fact was anything else I'd like to do, because it does matter (real-life reward for actually speaking up for myself rather than shutting down and feeling down).

But then I pretty quickly realized how I was reacting actually primarily to ONE word my friend said, which was "feeling," as in what that person "feels like" doing, which came up in a previous experience with another individual wherein I felt that individual displayed deceptive behavior toward me and I allowed myself to remain hopeful of that person's deceitful words rather than what was actually happening, which was that that person wasn't interested. Basically, a drama that played out so many months ago that I had a really hard time getting over. So I was experiencing the emotional/energetic charge from a previous interaction, which I identified as implied rejection and blatant deception, that I've been holding onto in some form for months in resentment and confusion, and projecting it onto this friend in reaction to a trigger word he had no idea he said.

Again, lots of reactions going on here to take me out of reality. I feel like I'm fumbling through this one, but that's okay.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project past emotions and fears onto a new situation with a new person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself and my self worth enough to accept and allow myself to, in the past, hang out with and desire intimacy with people who do not show me respect. I have sought relationships with these people in part because they affirm my preconceived notions about myself, making it easier for me to exist in my mind, and in part because, within those preconceived notions about myself, I conceive them as being worthy of my admiration and I would be lucky and special if they wanted me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as worthless and to not show myself respect in many areas of my life, including my relationship choices.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prefer viewing myself as inferior over viewing a real situation as not good for me, wherein if a dynamic seems unhealthy, I must be the one who is wrong. Big family history on this one, I'll have to get into that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let one word or phrase trigger an emotional reaction in me because it reminds me of a specific interaction wherein I accepted and allowed myself to not take self-responsibility for my well-being within that relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when presented with evidence of one thing, believe and hope and imagine something else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto my resentment and anger and confusion about an interaction that occurred half a year ago so much so that for the first few months it occupied the majority of my thoughts, and even still it interferes with my ability to remain present within my present interactions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto resentment and anger and confusion as a way of playing the role of the victim, abdicating responsibilities left and right because I feel too depressed or upset over some past event to properly deal with today, here, now. For a while, this specific past interaction was practically all I accepted and allowed myself to focus on. Before that, there were other specific past interactions that I would hyper-focus on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect negative memories of abandonment/rejection to recur in new situations, fear them, and react to innocent interactions in such a way that I become a person others might want to abandon/reject.

In this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to COLLECT these memories, memories from years and years of various failed friendships and relationships, holding onto them as central points of my identity and why I am the way I am and why it's okay that I am the way I am, not realizing it is not who I have to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, in the past, utilize the sharing of these memories as a way to gain sympathy and pity from potential new friendships and relationships and as a way to inspire a savior of me in another person, hoping they will pity me enough to want to swoop me up and take care of me and I will finally get some respite and relief from all the pain I have been accepting and allowing myself to carry around. Drop it! I don't need it. I will take care of me. Relief is here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to utilize these memories not only as validation for why I am the way I am, but as contradictory evidence to make it that much more impressive that I am a responsible, charming, successful member of society. In this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to possess multiple split personalities that are both inferior, depressed, & less-than, and superior, confident, & better-than.

Work-Ethic Self-Forgiveness - DIP 4.8.1 - DAY 1

Today I am just going to write about something from today:

Today I received an email from one of the staff at my yoga studio informing me that I needed to make cleaning a priority during my work-exchange shift there because I only had one class to check in, and the expectation was that every item on the check list be completed during my shift. I felt guilty. Normally I might have felt really anxious and embarrassed and lots of other emotions that would cloud my mind, but today I just felt a little guilty, realizing that I had not performed my expected tasks, and promptly responded apologizing and assuring the staff member that I would make it a priority and be sure to discuss any of my questions with her or another staff.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treat my work-exchange position at my yoga studio as a work-optional position wherein I do the bare minimum and otherwise listen to music, chat with people, read a book, or read desteni blogs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the frequent migraines/headaches that I have during these shifts as an excuse to not put in my best effort in accomplishing the tasks that are of equal importance to the time that I put in at this job. Often when I get my body moving and my mind on a task, my migraines/headaches dissipate. Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to start my day with coffee instead of water as a way to help my body not suffer from a migraine/headache.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept the praise that I have received from the individual who works the shift after me, who always praises me and the job I do, wherein I know that I have not done a job worthy of that praise but I just let her give me compliments because it feels good. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that because this individual complains about the work ethic of almost every other person in our position, I must be exceptional and special and exempt because she praises me and I do so little. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be honest with this individual and instead accept the compliments with a smile and assimilate them into my ego and personality as truth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, 4 months into this position, still have never performed certain tasks because I have thus far been able to "get away with" not performing those tasks.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not even look at the check list during my last 4+ shifts and therefore not checking in with myself to see what else I could accomplish during my shift.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only do the bare minimum and for thinking that this is okay because the people there seem to like me and seem to see me as a responsible, hard-working individual, unlike other individuals. Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage in and be receptive to gossip about other individuals and their work-ethic, especially when I am aware that my own work-ethic needs improvement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have an attitude that I shouldn't have to work hard at this work-exchange position because I also have a full-time job and my shift is on one of my only 2 days off per week, as if that extraneous information is at all relevant to my responsibilities in this position.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take this position less seriously ever since realizing that the pay equivalent is only about $6/hour for the value of the services (free yoga) I am receiving, when actually I am calculating that based on the lowest possible membership fees and actually I can much more easily afford 4 hours of my day off than I can afford $100/month for unlimited yoga. In this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become less grateful for the opportunity I have in this position.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can coast through this position because I have received enough positive feedback from enough high-status people to believe that I don't have to try and that I can get away with not doing my work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make it a pattern in many areas of my life to coast through cutting corners until I am disciplined, and then pretending like I didn't know or am somehow innocent when I am caught, when all the while that I am cutting corners I am aware of this plan to claim ignorance or to accept and allow myself to present myself as possessing any number of negative work-ethic traits just so that I can, in the moment, do less work, and be forgiven by others later when I apologize and pretend to take responsibility. I already know I should take responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not do the things that I already know I should do in self-honesty.

Self Injury PROCESSING

In this post I am exploring my urge to injure myself as a response to intense uncomfortable emotions. There is a lot to unpack here and so some of what is here is somewhat speculative and really just a first step in sorting out what's going on. This post is LONG and I actually wish I had not attempted to answer every question in one sitting because each one deserves more serious and honest consideration than was available to me in one sitting tonight. But here it is.

Tomorrow I begin my first writing assignment in DIP Lite on Self-Forgiveness, although last night I actually wrote my first SF statement and a whole string of others in evernote on my phone... and it was pretty rad. :)

--

Recently I've noticed myself much more aware of strong emotions than usual. I typically suppress very strong negative emotions and within self-honesty it is becoming impossible to do this. On the one hand my awareness of my emotions and process of learning how I accept and allow them is helping me see them as reactions and I can reject them as being powerful or definitive about me and who I am. But some of these emotions are ones that I have suppressed for years, and they're intense. What I am encountering that is alarming is a desire to injure myself as a reaction to intense feelings of shame, guilt, regret, sadness, hopelessness, embarrassment, etc. Specifically I want to cut myself, especially my arms, or I even have this feeling of wanting to cut off my arms, or otherwise mar my torso and chest. Thinking about it now, when I am not experiencing this emotion, I'm actually a little confused at the desire to cut off my arms or mar my torso/chest. It's new and I'm not sure where it's coming from. But that is the way I felt and the desire I had.

So I posted about this on the forum and per the suggestion of Anna (thank you) I am going to try to continue in writing about it. I will try to write about it some now, and then the next time I encounter it I will write as soon as I can. This is something that has been in my life and mind and lived through my body for about 10 years. So, it's going to take some time. I'll be coming back to this I'm sure.

Some points to consider and questions to answer:
- Why, specifically, do I resort to a desire to hurt myself when I am facing especially uncomfortable emotions?
- What do I think I will gain by hurting myself?
- What would actually happen if I hurt myself?
- What does it mean, if anything, that I want to mutilate my arms/chest/torso?
- Why, specifically, do I feel alarmed when I encounter the intense desire to injure myself?

Related to this experience I have some questions I want to ask myself about crying and emotional release.
- Why have I suppressed especially uncomfortable emotions? When did I learn to do this and what did I gain?
- How do I feel when I cry?
- How do I feel after I cry?
- How long do I usually cry, and why?

I had written previously about my catastrophic thinking and how from it I gain a sense of internal validation by imagining a scenario in which I would undoubtedly be consoled and comforted by others, which would indicate to me that my emotions are valid, which I have been unable to indicate to myself solely on the basis that they exist and I have them. Often these catastrophic thoughts charge up to a very brief emotional release wherein I begin to cry or feel flushed and then remind myself that it isn't real and suppress the emotions. This is another area that I think is closely related and I also want to unpack over time.

***Some of the answers to follow might be... speculative, and tentative. I've suppressed a lot. There's a lot to sort out, and some of this might end up best tossed out or otherwise refined. ***

Why, specifically, do I resort to a desire to hurt myself when I am facing especially uncomfortable emotions?
My initial answer to this is simply that it is habitual. As a teenager I developed self injury as a coping mechanism for dealing with the confusion that I felt about my family, about growing up, about myself, about my emotions. I developed it. I fed it, made time for it, and sought it out as a solution to my problems.

So, why as a teenager did I resort to actually hurting myself when I was facing especially uncomfortable emotions?

• Attention, especially from my mother, who never noticed. 
• Self-victimization, to feel self-pity and garner pity from others as a helpless child in a dysfunctional family. 
• Self-sabotage: abdicating responsibility for my own well-being and imagining a future in which the potential for hospitalization was "cool" because it would mean something was "really wrong" with me which would make me exceptional and exempt from various responsibilities and a candidate for further pity and sympathy and attention. 
• Self-abuse: this should seem obvious, but it's not. I don't recall really feeling like I deserved it. I recall playing out a personality character role that I took on as a way to validate my own experience as being an experience worthy of attention (genuine attention, tending to) and care. I saw others who received attention for their self injurious behaviors, so I assumed the position in an effort to gain the attention I desperately needed. But maybe, because I did not receive the care and attention I thought seemed appropriate, and is appropriate, and because even when I spoke it was as if no one heard, I thought I was not worthy. And so I abused myself, punished myself, gave myself what I perceived to be what I deserved based on my interpretation of the dynamics within my family. 
• Within this, how do I explore and understand this further through my self responsibility without only blaming my parents for not being there in the ways I needed them? 

So, why now do I resort to a desire to hurt myself when I am facing especially uncomfortable emotions, besides that it is habitual/something I learned many years ago? 

• I believe it will solve something, or at least provide instantaneous (albeit temporary) relief from the present emotional experience. 
• I believe I deserve it. I am sickened by myself at times. 
• Within it being habitual: I honestly am not sure how I stopped. I made a commitment to stop. Some things got better. But mostly, this is probably where suppression really took over. I wouldn't let myself feel because I couldn't let myself cut. 

What do I think I will gain by hurting myself?

My desire is fueled by the intensity of the emotions which I find uncomfortable and want to have stop. I think that by hurting myself I will receive instantaneous relief from the emotions as it was so often my before-bed ritual wherein I was able to sleep soundly with my arm wrapped and bleeding knowing that retribution was with me. I remember that feeling of peace and calm as I would climb into bed after injuring myself and I want that feeling. It was almost a feeling of accomplishment, as if I had actually done something to fix what was wrong. It's pretty convoluted; there's a lot to unravel. 

I think that I will gain relief. 

What would actually happen if I hurt myself? 

I would be breaking a commitment that I made to myself 7 years ago to never intentionally injure myself for purposes of emotional coping or escapism again. I would feel regret. I would feel childish and immature. I would feel embarrassed. Maybe I would feel relief, but it would not last, as I know I would be flooded with the aforementioned emotions, plus whatever I was trying to escape would come up again. 

What does it mean, if anything, that I want to mutilate my arms/chest/torso?

If anything, it might mean this: my arms and hands are vehicles of action, and when I want to hurt myself I have a sense of wanting to immobilize myself from doing or saying anything that might ever make me feel these intense emotions again. My chest/torso are my core and besides my face I sense them as being the presenting half of my body. I'm having a hard time tapping into this aspect of the desire/urge though since I am not feeling it presently, so I'm really not sure here. 

Why, specifically, do I feel alarmed when I encounter the intense desire to injure myself?

I feel especially alarmed at the desire to injure myself because this desire, although having never left me completely as it has always been in my mind as an option since day 1 of my participation within it, has been pretty successfully overcome as can be seen by my 7 year abstinence from engaging in self injurious behavior. I also feel alarmed because it is an impulsive, urgent desire, and I worry that if it gets bad enough it could seem so much bigger than me that I let it overpower me and I break my commitment. At that point I see myself allowing myself to see myself as having failed and needing to start over and possibly being so discouraged that I don't even care to start over but will just fester in my own selfish self centered self abuse. I feel alarmed because I have higher expectations of my current ability to cope when in reality I have separated myself from my emotions and suppressed them as I have allowed them to seem too unmanageable for me to cope. I have been told by friends, family, and therapists that I am "strong" which has fed a personality of maturity and level-headedness and bolstered my ego when actually my internal experience is one of confusion and feeling intimidated by and thus avoiding the depth of my emotional reactions. 

And I had asked this in DIP Lite and posted it here: It seems as if I need to learn to validate my emotions for myself while at the same time re-cognize them as my own creation and not accurate indicators of what is real. This is confusing. Help?

Why have I suppressed especially uncomfortable emotions? When did I learn to do this and what did I gain?

I think that I must have learned to suppress emotions when:

• My expression of my emotions did nothing to practically improve my environment, because when I expressed my emotional experiences within my family, my family remained dysfunctional. 
• When something would happen in my family to which I would react with intense emotions, the next day my family would operate as if nothing had happened. This got to be exhausting. 
• I was told I was strong and I interpreted then a best practice of maintaining a strong front so as to continue to receive this compliment. 
• I decided I wanted to stop injuring myself, which at the time meant that if I ever wanted to injure myself, I had to get rid of the emotions some other way. 

By suppressing my emotions I gained a surface-level existence wherein I no longer had to exert the energy to experience fruitless emotions. I was able to refocus some of my energy on other aspects of growing up. 

How do I feel when I cry? 

A little bit stupid, and pretty intense. There will sometimes be a flash in my mind of if another person was present, how they would respond, in what ways would they provide me comfort. If another person IS present, I feel embarrassed. I feel an energy throughout my body, especially in my chest and arms, and it feels good. Probably some chemical release, actually. It feels relieving. It feels validating. I feel relieved, and I feel validated. 

How do I feel after I cry? 

Sometimes I feel like I don't even know what that was about, that was dumb, why was I crying? Sometimes I continue to feel emotionally sensitive and prone to more crying. Sometimes I feel relief and want to cry again or more, but don't, because the energy is gone, or as with this morning, I had to get ready for work. 

How long do I usually cry, and why? 

I usually don't cry very long. I get a burst out and then suppress it. It is as if I relieve just enough pressure to go back to where I was before the pressure burst. I judge myself for crying, too. 

---

This got quite long. I've been writing for a couple hours at least. I did not feel pressured to write this much but I think even so it would have been wiser to go deep into one or two of these questions rather than try to answer them all right now, as I notice that some of these answers are not as extensive as they could be. But that's okay. It's more than enough for starting and it's a good example of why I need more patience with myself and more seriousness in my exploration. 

I Am a Lie - Free Write

I pride myself on honesty but I am dishonest.
I tell others: it's so easy, do it this way!
I cannot do it that way myself.
I have accepted and allowed myself to not do it that way myself. I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am already doing it that way and therefore I can ignore it, it is moot.
Things are always easier said than done. And sometimes they're hard to say, too.
It is hard for me to say: I am not perfect.
It is hard for me to say: You're right.
It is hard for me to, when realizing and facing all of the ways in which I am not who I think I am, articulate those ways and what they mean. This is a brick in the wall of intimidation I wrote about yesterday.
It is hard for me to look at myself when it seems so much easier to look at others, as if they are not myself.

But pride is a weird tricky thing. Because while it is hard for me to say I am not perfect, I have also lived a devastating depression at times wherein I believe myself to be NOTHING, of no value, worthless, worth only death even. Worth only what others can tell me about myself, so it is tied to my need for validation, which is obvious because of what I used to do to try to get others to notice my pain, which is placing my pain above other pain as more important. But that very same need for validation cannot exist without a puffed up ego full of pride which must seek external evidence for its own existence. If I truly believed I was nothing, I would need no validation. If I truly believed I was nothing, I would have no pride.

And I used to cycle through depression and pride. I would by default exist in sadness, but through social interaction I would find it within myself to assert my self-interested dominance through humor, advice, accusation, or other extroverted behavior, and often something would happen where, at least in my internal feeling state, it would backfire. I would react with anxiety, with shame, with embarrassment, with regret, and so I would retreat back into depression and introversion, saying: "This is why..." giving the feeling/emotion power over me and my expression to shut me up and shut myself out. So really all along I haven't had the down without the up or the up without the down. And I am learning to exist somewhere in the middle, to find stability, to let my emotional reactions be indicators to me, ways to flag where I am not being honest, but not to let them send me into a chain reaction of subsequent emotions and behaviors and thoughts which will only perpetuate the pendulum's swings.

So, anyway:

I am not perfect.
I don't know what's best.
I don't have the answer.
I lie every day.
I am a lie. The person I believe myself to be, have believed myself to be, is a lie. Even my most honest explorations have been lies as they have been within systems of thought that are lies.
Depression is a lie.
Anxiety is a lie.
They are excuses. They are cycles. They are traps.

Trap of Dementia - Part 1

Thank you... for reading. For being. Just, thanks.

Instability & Ineptitude as Sub-Experiences of Intimidation - Free Write

As I move through this process I am encountering some emotions that could propel me backward or into paralysis if I were to accept or allow such a response. When I first began DIP Lite one of my first emotional reactions was one of intimidation. I'd already become somewhat familiar with various aspects of desteni through conversations, but when I began my own written process through DIP Lite and began more consistently reading material published by others on their blogs, I saw just how serious an undertaking this is.

Desteni is not merely a philosophy to which I can refer or of which I can remind myself when I feel down to make me feel better. It isn't just a system of ideas for making me feel like I can make and am making a difference in the world. It is an application to be applied daily, in every breath, and you really have to work it. I really have to work it. And that's hard. There's going to be countless moments of resistance within that.

But the cool thing is that, at least inasmuch as I understand now, all I really have to do is keep doing. All I really have to do is do it. Move forward. Walk through it. I will hit lots of walls, but as long as I keep hitting them, I will break through them.

A wall that I am interested in examining and breaking through presently is this intimidation and self-doubt of my capabilities. I feel pretty DUMB. I've actually spent many years going deep into journaling. I have a program that has worked for me, or at least I have known how to work it. It has been beneficial, sure, but not perfect. Now I am transitioning to a new foundation, a new starting point, and I'm losing my footing. I feel unstable, I feel inept. I know how to consider myself one way, but not this new way. And it doesn't just come into play with the writing process. Walking DIP Lite and learning about desteni, I am completely reorganizing and redefining my world, my life, my self. So as I step away from one pattern or idea or habit or foothold, there is that period of instability before I find the next, and within that instability I notice especially: a sense of a lack of articulation, a sense of saying "okay, I've done enough for now, let's take a break," and a growing skill to see who I am not YET but not who I will never be. So actually, realizing all of this helps a lot with the feeling of intimidation. Because intimidation is the wall. It says: You cannot pass. But I see that I can, and will, if I keep trying, honestly, with integrity. The instability is a phase of the transition. It will come up again in other ways, I'm sure, or maybe in the same way, but it will get better, and I will find my footing as long as I keep trying. I will find my articulation if I keep pouring my foundation and if I can push through the feeling of giving up, even if only for now, or for the rest of the day (although I'm not 100% against this strategy of rest), and I will get through the wall and I will change and along with that, intimidation will become a thing of my anxious past wherein I am not enough. I will be enough. I am enough, but I just don't live being enough yet. I cannot be intimidated if I am one and equal with all. Someday, intimidation will not exist.

Ambivalence and Emotional Energy + Animal Relationships -- Free Write

I'm finished with my current writing section on DIP Lite. I'm trying to read through the next section and take notes on my response. It's going okay. But I need to write... about other things... Blah. I'll probably post some of my interaction with DIP Lite soon though. 

I got offered that job. And that's really awesome. That, coupled with spending a few hours in some sunshine: I was rolling in positive energy today. Great mood. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna take the job, even. Main thing keeping me from freaking out about it right now is that they're totally chill with me giving a full 2 weeks notice AFTER I pass the background check etc., and I already told my boss unofficially. So I don't have to feel like I'm jumping ship on a group of people who have been really good to me, a job that has been really good to me. Plus I have time to embrace the change gradually. And, a small voice says: time to back out. But let's not do that! And let's write about it later if we must. Moving on:

There's a couple things going on right now. One is that I'm absolutely exhausted with the emotional/feeling energy that's coming from a push/pull I'm creating. An ambivalence: what else is new? A like and a dislike. A desire, and at the same time disgust. Maybe not disgust, that's pretty harsh. But I KNOW certain things which I think any other person would see undeniably as a reason for A, and yet I still want B. And this is typical for me. Once B becomes, it is. Once the desire appears, it remains. It's mythologized, idealized. I commit myself and my energy and my loyalty to something that isn't even real. And every interaction is an exhausting dance between these poles, forever trying to figure out where they stand in relation to me (and what they can give me, what I can get from them, how they can make me whole). 

Separate. Not one and equal. Incomplete. So maybe that's the problem.

The weird thing is that one of the things that has persisted in confusing me about desteni is whenever polarities come up. I don't get it. I don't get the solution. Love vs hate: apparently we want neither. So then what DO we want? I'm sure I just don't understand. I'm sure I just don't get it yet. 

But I wonder if my continual struggle with ambivalence and indecision has anything to do with my utter blind spot when it comes to the concept of polarities. Maybe if I can figure out one I can figure out the other.

The other thing that's going on, and that has been going on, is a really ugly frustration with my dog. It makes me feel very ashamed and guilty. I think I know the answer, why she cries and whines. It's obvious and I just ignore it because I feel so ashamed and guilty. She has expensive food. She has plenty of water. She has a million bones, some of them filled with peanut butter and fish oil. She's been outside, she's run around, she's done her business. But she just sits and stares at me and whines. 

And it's obvious. She wants attention. I've been gone all day. She adores me. I'm all she has. But I come home and barely pay attention to her for more than 5 minutes. I take her to my mom's some days to make me feel better, but I know she doesn't get attention there either. It makes me think I shouldn't have a dog. Which is a terrible thought and feeling. It should make me think, OH HEY, play with your dog. The main deterrent there is that she's dirty. She has bad skin, she gets really flaky and oily. I say I can't afford to take her to the groomer, but I can wash her at home, or at least take her to a self-service dog wash. So I'll do that in the morning. 

But anyway. Dogs. Animals. They're us. She is me. I want attention. I do not get the attention I want. I plead for it and it doesn't come. I practically glare at my dog's beautiful eyes when she whines at me and think, "why can't you just be enough for yourself?" I am asking myself that question. And my relationship with my dog has had its ups and downs as far as the closeness I feel with her. I know that when I bond with her, I am bonding with myself. By taking care of her, I am taking care of myself. I am coming home, being home, she is home, I am home. If I am frustrated with her, I can only be frustrated with myself. If she needs me, I need me. So before PETA gets on this I'm gonna publish and give her (me) some love. 

Nervousness and Ambivalence - DIP 3.8.7

Step 1. Do a short writeup describing a situation/event/interaction where you experienced an emotion or a feeling as an energetic reaction:

Today's situation is the time proximity to a job interview I have in the morning. I was offered this interview about two weeks ago, and I've appreciated the extra time to "prepare," although I didn't really prepare any materials until yesterday and I haven't begun processing mentally or emotionally until today. Last week I felt excited and had a "good feeling" about it. Today, and now, I feel ambivalent and nervous.

Step 2. Identify the first instance where an energetic reaction as emotion or feeling was expressed within the writing:

I felt excited and had a "good feeling," then I began to and still feel nervous and ambivalent.

Step 3. Ask questions to understand, in greater detail, the emotion/feeling as an energetic reaction you wrote about:

Why have I felt excited/had a "good feeling"? Why do I feel nervous and ambivalent today? What does time have to do with that shift, if anything? What can I do to prepare for tomorrow?

Step 4. Answer the questions - push yourself to be specific:

• I've felt excited because this job sounds right up my alley. It's not working with teens, but that's okay. It is working with adults with developmental disabilities who sometimes display assaultive behaviors and therefore need assistance in achieving vocational goals. As far as I can tell, this organization also has programs for art, drama, and music activities with these individuals. So, it's basically super awesome. I've been away from my old job that I loved for just over a year now, and all along I've been wanting to find a job like it. This one is like it.
  
• I've had a "good feeling" because it seems like I meet all of their requirements and have experience that is very relevant. I have also been telling myself that I am going to be 25 in a month, and I want to be on track, doing something I really care about. So, if the universe is going to conspire in my favor, now seems like the time to do it, thus the superstitious "good feeling," which has actually fed some of my ambivalence as it seems like a real possibility that I may have to make a decision (all future there! not present, not here, not real).
  
• Today I feel nervous because the interview is happening SOON, although not yet, and as far as I know it is a panel interview, which makes it quite intimidating. I am not so much concerned with how to present myself positively; I tend to do well in interviews IF I am present. That is to say, if I do not have a migraine, or I don't feel "out of it," as is sometimes the case. I don't really know how to best navigate those instances when they arise, but I have some idea of how to prevent them, so I am trying to do that tonight.
  
• Today I feel ambivalent because I really love my current job, and I love the people I work with, and I make good money compared to what else is out there, and my schedule is relatively flexible, and I get to listen to music all day, and frame cool art, and get a discount, and all kinds of other positives. I also have full benefits and in about a month I'll start getting paid holidays, vacations, and sick leave. I am also VERY GOOD at my job.
  
  But I am not passionate about it. I almost couldn't care less. I want to make a difference in peoples' lives, not empty their wallets so they can hang stuff on their walls. I want to use my skills, my patience, my experience, my understanding, my compassion, my indifference over my own physical safety, for the benefit of people who so often get shit from life. I was also VERY GOOD at my old job.
  
  And this could go back and forth for a while. But honestly the specifics of my present ambivalence make no difference in picking apart the ambivalence and indecision that I face in so many areas of my life. The specifics don't even really help me with this specific instance, especially since I haven't been offered the job. I'm not really sure what DOES help, except stopping and breathing and realizing where I am and what I am doing right now, and who I can be and will be and am.
  
• I think that time is affecting this from two directions: time has passed and my excitement waned until I didn't think much about the upcoming interview at all. Time is also approaching and a part of me wants to just fast forward to the interview being over with. A part of me feels so nervous and ambivalent about this interview that I can see it as a possibility to enter into apathy as an escape. To not even try, not even participate in creating an outcome (which is still contributing to the outcome). But I won't do that. I have to at least try. And so I see time cropping up again: This interview is in 12 hours. My materials are ready. The other things I need to do to get ready are:
  
• Prepare my lunch. Figure out what I'll wear. Bring my work clothes to change into. Find a park I can hang out at between the interview and work. Get a good sleep. Wake up early and do all that morning stuff. Stay present in each of these steps and definitely do not stress because stress is a huge trigger for migraines. So I could sit here and write more, and maybe I will come back and write more, but for now it's like I'm picking away at something that just needs to sit and be. It's in 12 hours. I will meet it in 12 hours. 

Any advice is invited, always. 

Mission & Values - They totally know what's up!